Icerain,
I have this same sort of relationship with my brother too, I practically was a 2nd mom to him. What I would like to tell you is forgive yourself.
It sounds like you were a wonderful caregiver, that you stepped up to fill in the shoes when fate called upon you to do so. So good on you! Sure we all make mistakes, but don't beat yourself up for those mistakes, because you were really young and just a child yourself. You did the best you knew how. You did good.
My advice would be what the other posters said here. Give her some space, try not to blame yourself. She did not turn out this way because of you... there were so many other factors (like your self centered inconsiderate mom). It could also be a competitive thing that siblings have - even tho I'm a 2nd mom to my brother, he and I still compete.
It could also stem from a feeling of "you owe me" or "I'm better than you" that you seem to be broadcasting, though not on purpose. And she may resent that. I never thought I was better than my brother, but he always perceived it as that, and I inadvertently broadcasted that message. It wasn't because I was better, it was because I've been through it before. And I was trying to control him into not making the "wrong" decision... which of course, he rightfully resented.
Another thing is, now that she's an adult, try to trust her more. Give her the options and follow up with, "I trust you, and you're capable, and no matter what decision you make, you will be ok." If I have a strong preference for an option (like save your money instead of buying new body kit for your car), I'd say my strong preference, but still leave the decision up to him.
At this time, all you can do is give her time, live your life... and if she doesn't come around, let her go.
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