I have a feeling that incidents like these happen quite often - where she feels like you are always messing up. And you don't own up to your mistake, or you shrug it off, or you say nothing while she rants and raves and calls you names.
I know this because I used to have this relationship with my own husband, but we've both found a way to move past my abuse and his just powerlessly taking it.
What I did:
1. I let go and stop being so controlling. It starts with my own recognition and choice to stop dominating and controlling. If he waters the plants and it overflows, he cleans it up. And I don't get mad. If he doesn't clean it up well (brown water stains on the tile) I will mention it, and he cleans it up later or right then and there.
2. If I want things done a very specific way, in which I know he'll probably not do it exactly the way I want it done... I do it myself. I don't set him and me up for failure by expecting him to fail and then berate him for it.
3. Recognize when I start going on my berating tantrums... and think of ways on how to disarm myself. The reason why I get mad is that he doesn't own up, or he dismisses it. So I just flat out tell him why I'm mad, not that he overflows the plants, but because he dismissed my feelings as trivial (which dismissal really sucks). So I'll just say, "you know, I know overflowing the plants is not a big deal to you, but it is to me, and if you just said, sorry, honey, I didn't meant to do it, lemme make it right... I wouldn't be so upset."
4. I recognize that it's important that I let my man be a man and not a child. If I keep treating him like a child, he will continue to act like one. So I don't berate him in front of other people (only behind closed doors) and only because he totally understands me... that it's not that I disrespect him... it's because he's here to help me learn to work through my feelings. But he does that voluntarily.
What he does:
1. he owns up and does not dismiss my feelings ever. We both drop the who's right and who's wrong. It doesn't matter that the issue itself is trivial, if he or I doesn't think it's trivial... that makes it not trivial.
2. we have a code word that he says when he recognizes that I'm going on my rants. and the very fact that I recognize that I do tend to rant and berate... I calm my butt down until I am out of ranting mode. Then we talk like civilized human beings - well, more like I start acting like one.
3. Things that he's forgotten or consistently "messed" up on, if I ask him to do again, he will actually tell me how he will not mess up this time - how he will do it differently. And vice versa for me when I mess up.
Most of the stuff we do to move past this stage was work that I did on myself. So there were things he could do... but most of what makes a difference was me committing to changing myself and my own behavior. I can proudly and honestly say that both of us have moved past this behavior. We still regress now and then, but it's done wonders for our relationship.
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