Why unconditional love is the goal is because that's what I've translated my partners expectations into. However for me it somehow turns out to equal self-annihilation. Giving up my identity to please others, and whenever I do that I wind up hating myself for it.
I've just waken up from a dream of non-acceptance, as I call it, and find myself having done it once again. Once again having become someone I don't really recognize, doing things I don't really stand for, and once again having an incredibly hard time 'shaking off the yoke'.
The greatest step I've made this time is that I accept that I don't accept myself. I take responsibility for my non-acceptance, at times being sad and frustrated about it, at times laughing, but at least seeing it.
The last time I managed to 'shake off the yoke' and was really being true to myself I missed that lesson, acceptance. I found I could be myself only if I kept running from all obstacles, if I kept running from the scene of my pain. Eventually I got tired of running however and found myself caving in again.
I think the most important thing is that I also love myself conditionally. I've grown up to like living like that, using it as a means for improvement. I kind of figured that if people evolve through pain until they learn to evolve through joy, and I haven't learned how to evolve through joy I'd better give myself a lot of pain to evolve through.
You know, it all really doesn't matter. As usual this thread isn't really about the thing it seems to be about. It's really about not caving in to the expectations of others, about remaining true to yourself.
Right now this lesson is forced upon me through my relationship, and it's a tough one once again. But that's good. I can feel myself returning to my true self and this time with far greater acceptance.
Hehe, and I love you guys! You're all the best.
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