[suitcase]

Hello everyone, sorry for my weird english. I'm dutch and have hardly slept in two days so I hope I dont make to many mistakes.

2.5 days ago my gf broke up with me after 7 months.. Maybe I should tell somehing about how our relationship started first:

When we met we where roommates and at first all we did was drink coffee and have endless talks about politics, philosophy and previous relationships. In the beginning I wasnt really in love but this developed as I got to know her better. I started feeling very strong for her. After a while I asked here if she wanted to go on a date with me. That night we kissed and slept together.

4 days later one of my best friends died, and I was devastated. Me and her did not really start yet But because she lived in my house it was really easy to knock on her door and cry my guts out in her arms, i did this numerous times. I was heavily in love with her and just wanted her to be mine so bad, too soon. I was afraid my emotions would scare her away. After 2 weeks she told me she wasnt sure she wanted a relationship in general, because she got hurt by ex boyfriends, she appreciated her freedom and that it was really hard for her to deal with my pain because she never lost anyone. Then she said that she had binding anxiety and that it was tough for her to say she was in love, altough she probably was. We decided I should step back a little and let her figure out what she wanted and I stayed with my dad in another town to take some rest and get over the loss. When I got back everything went great and we had a great time untill a little over 2 months ago:

She came to my house (she moved to another place, because her room kind off sucked and to keep the young relationship healthy) panicking and told me she kissed with a guy but she felt really bad about it and she loved me and didnt want to lose me. My first reaction was to get really angry and say that it was over and she started panicking even more and said it was the biggest misstake she had ever made, that she was drunk and it would never happen again. I forgave her but told her it might take some time for me to get over this whole thing, I also told her I might be a little more suspicious in the beginning and it was up to her to make me trust her again. The first couple off days, I felt pretty anxious and sad and sometimes I got angry inside just by looking at her. There where times where I would just pretend she wasnt there...

After about 3 weeks I started to feel better about us and I knew for sure our relationship was not over yet, she was so good to me and in fact I started loving her even more.

So last wednesday night she came to my house and told me it was over. I started crying like a baby and told her I loved her and I didnt want this to happen. I kept on asking her why and she said she was afraid she didnt love me as much as I loved her, but she was still in love with me. She said she wasnt able to show that enough and sometimes I seemed unhappy . She said I made her feel alot of emotions, alot more then she felt in previous relationships and that made her feel insucure and scared sometimes. Then she said she thought that this might only be for a while and that she couldnt stand the thought of missing me. But this was just for the best

I know I might have been focussing on this relationship a little to much, but because I work from home in my own hours and she still went to university and her job I was usualy the one waiting and having/making time to see her and also having time to miss her. This is not the type of situation I wanted to stay in and before I met her I was changing this, looking for a job on the side to meet new people, doing more sports etc. But love gives you this feeling of completeness and makes me kind of lazy.

We just sat there for a couple off hours and we where both making jokes and it felt like she didnt just broke up with me, after a while we fell asleep in eachother arms. The next morning I woke up and before I was even able to think I was allready crying, I was still so sleepy I didnt even realise why I was crying but when I did, I woke here up aking; do we really have to do this?, and she said she prommised herself not to give in, that she wouldnt be able to look herself in the mirror if she did. We decided she would stay till the evening and then she started crying, she said she was afraid to step out of my door because she might start regreting it so I said; then why are you doing this? But she already explained.

I told her our friendship was also very important to me, but that I wasnt sure if I was able to just stay friends with someone I have those kind off feelings for, We then made the appoinement that I would see her again in 6 weeks and that we wouldnt contact eachother in between. I told her I thought I understood what created her feelings, that her cheating on me also changed my view on her for a while, but that was over allready over, and that I was not really happy with myself atm and that makes her insecure, she agreed and I asked her if there was a possibility that we came back together after those six weeks if it was going better with me and she said there was.

For the last two hours all we did was cry and in the end she said she loved me and that we would be allright. I then ran to the pub and started drinking till 7am. The next (same) day I woke up feeling absolutely horrible and realising I called here at 8am or something in a state of half sleep, and completely drunk. I dont remember the beginning of the call but I remember I asked her; 'do you stil love me?'. She said yes and that she didnt sleep al night either, but I was drunk and tired and we wouldnt talk for six weeks' *click*

At this moment im missing her like crazy and its 5am, I'm almost unable to eat or sleep but I regonize that from my first breakup, after 4 years. The thing thats different is that I just dont know what to expect, I dont understand what it is she really wants from me and speculating about this drives me completely insane. There are times where I think I would do anything to get her back, I get angry at times and sometimes I still want to call her. its very domninating and I cant concentrate on anything. I also had two panic attacks. Didnt have those in years. I wont call her anymore im sure. But thinking about those six weeks drives me nuts, I know that in 6 weeks we are gonna 'just drink some cofee and we'll see what happens from there' and I dont know what to expect from that, I probably just be want to hold her when I see her, im sure. I dont feel like I can completely let go of her in the way I could if she just said: 'you're an ******. Im not in love anymore, bye'. I just want to look foreward to getting back together but then I wont really get over her and might get hurt even more after those six weeks. I somehow, very urgently, feel the need to get things in my life in order now, But then im afraid Im only doing that to get her back and wont get the satisfaction out of it I should.

I'm soooo confused and sad atm and its a horrible combination. Any tips on what line of thinking is best or what I should tell myself, is it smart to be hoping on a happy ending?