[edwardmccaughan]

warning! this is something I should really think through the wording of better before I actually post it. Fortunatly I got a doctors note exempting me from having to write coherent posts due to a sprained ankle.

Anyway. I've always been a loner. Partly something that runs through the family, partly because shutting out the world was the easiest way of dealing with life when I was a kid and now that I'm older and much better at this whole life thing, I really need to learn how to actually have emotions again.

Anything I understand about how other people feel I understand scientificly, from watching and paying attention, from reading up on how people work, but I can never really get the empathy thing going. I know I can do it when I'm not payin attention-If I'm in a bad mood and don't smile at people I can see them being colder when normally they'd be friendly. When I cheer up, they get talkative. I'm getting pretty good at making conversation, being funny, charming and all that, but I know it gets so much easier to do when you really mean it.

I read a post on ask.metafilter and someone said
"I'll tell you the secret. You have to need something from other people. No matter how shy or introverted you are, if you aproach someone in a manner that you are trying actually be friends with them, you will discover that they will be great friends to you. If you don't care about them, there will be no friendship."

that last bit really resonated with me. I don't need other people. When I work in a team, I prefer to do all the work alone. I'm so used to other people being useless, doing things myself is always the easier option. I don't make friends because being alone is easier than the messy stuff that happens when you say the wrong thing.

What I really need is someone to be brutally honest with me. I do jujitsu and its one of the best things in the world, because when I screw up my teacher is totally simply honest about it. No putting it delicately, no lectures or guilt tripping, just a simple fact and how to correct it. Everyone else is too worried about hurting me to tell me what i really ought to know. And I know I'm lying to myself about teh real reasons because I can feel myself sort of skirting around the issue and getting distracted when i try and think about some things.

As for you guys...*shrug* tell me whatever you want. Tell me why you think I'm messing up, tell me what you think it is I won't let myself find out about myself, what you did when you were a loner, tell me the secret to making the perfect sauce (it won't help, but it'll make me feel better ;-) )

thanks for taking the time for reading all that

Edward