What does that look like exactly? If it doesn't mean 'fake it til' you make it' ..where does the effort/work come in? If I KNOW better, but I don't do better..how do I progress?
This is a complex question with many levels and many exceptions but I'll try my best to keep it short as possible. With certain things (particularly the spiritual aspects, high levels of consciousness etc.) the work is done through in depth analysis of yourself and understanding the lessons that is thrown at you. Awareness will be the effort and the full integration of that new awareness (knowing the "right" thing to do) may be instant but also may take time.
Since you know but don't feel the answer it's only a matter of time before both are completely integrated. You did the work into improving and the improvement itself comes passively.
I have always thought of spirituality as removing boundaries rather "improving". You take away the parts of yourself that hinder yourself to open to the diving/god/whatever you want to call it. The work on developing your spiritual side comes from meditation, self awareness exercises, forgiving yourself and so on. You work on those things then wait for higher spiritual awareness to come in naturally.
Spiritual development is slightly different than personal growth (both can be combined and very useful). P.D can for the most part can be charted and watched. You get to work on things like developing discipline or giving up caffeine and you can see the results and if you are doing it right.
But I'm so stuck on trying to be 'accepting' and 'unconditionally loving' ..states that I haven't yet achieved,
Those are great things to have but horrible when it comes to relationship advice. Love them unconditionally but when they become detrimental to your life and your growth YOU need to love them from a distance. If you allow them to treat you with disrespect so often you will find that your heart will close greatly and your ability to love them unconditionally will slowly decline.
The ideal in a relationship is to simply love the person and have no need for rules or boundaries but that's not reality. If you live from the ideal and not accept reality (that ego is still strong in many) you will end up very unhappy and with miserable relationships.
The way you do this is to love the person, keep their ego in check through rules and boundaries and work towards to the ideal of simply being able to love them without the disrespect of the ego. If you work from the ideal from the start the relationship is doomed to fail.
If on the other hand you work from reality (acknowledging the ego) you can work towards achieving the ideal (not needing boundaries at all) you give your relationship a chance. So, if her or your ego gets out of control you remind them of the rules. They get upset and after the storm calms down you can talk openly about what happened and they can understand why they had an ego attack. The talking afterwards allows them and you grow closer towards the ideal or unconditional love within the relationship.
(hope that makes sense)
If she (talking about any woman you meet) can acknowledge her ego and come to understand where it came from then she is a keeper.
Know that the ego is NOT who they are. Love and accept them (the self that resides beneath the fear/insecurities/ego) but never accept their ego's.
So you believe there's nothing to do but keep failing the lesson? There's nothing for me to do until I encounter the same thing in a different manifestation?
More or less, yes. This requires a great deal of letting go of one's desire to control life. You didn't emotionally learn it so it's not the right time for you to learn it. If it was the right time for you to learn the lesson then you would have (remember everything is perfect) but you didn't. Learn to be passive and patient when those moments come.
The more important the lesson the more intense the means your higher self will teach you will be. I'll give you a personal example. I was dating this girl once who was absolutely horrible for a year. It took me about 6 months for me to intellectually realize that she wasn't right for me and that I couldn't tolerate her cheating (she was dating two other guys at the time).
It took me another 6 months before it emotionally hit me and I had an 'ah-ha' moment. When that moment came I felt no urge to be with her or even talk to her. Before that I would break up with her and vow to never speak to her again. It was only a matter of time before we would speak again and fall back into the same pattern.
When the ah ha moment hit there was no urge to show her my pain. There was no struggle not to talk to her. No more passive agressivness. I walked away emotionally and physically without a second thought, even though I knew this is what I should have done 6 months ago.
Right now if I recognize a lesson to learn but don't fully 'get it' I will let it go. In the past I would try and force myself to get it but that only created delay. So now, I just accept that I when I'm completely ready to learn it will come to me.
I look at it this way, the lesson is like a letter from your higher self and your H.S sends a messenger to tell you that some important lesson is coming. The messenger doesn't tell you when but only that it will be coming. I could either sit in anticipation of I could let it go and wait for the exact time that it's supposed to come. It's the same as waiting for Christmas to come. You can try your best to make the days go by quickly but Christmas will still be on the 25th of December.
Set the intention to grow, do the things you can (meditation, living life) and wait for the other stuff to come on it's on in time.
You only get life lessons when you are ready for them and not a moment earlier. That could mean you are ready for them after meditating so many days. It could also mean that you are ready to learn only when you have gone through an immense amount of pain.
This happens because your higher self is very smart. It knows that if it sends you an important lesson too soon you won't be able to comprehend it's value or meaning. The lessons you are learning today are only possible through the life experiences and lessons you have had before.
I think I have a very serious problem going against my mind. I'm not much of a 'feeling' person. My emotions seem like these slippery, transient things that can't be trusted. But clearly, my mind can't be trusted either. I will follow through. I sincerely want to learn what was meant to be learned, regardless of whatever painful form that it takes.
Letting go of your mind is going to be difficult for you but I'm not suggesting trusting emotions like anger or jealousy. What I mean by feeling it emotionally is you feel the answer, not just think it. It's that ah-ha moment where there is no doubt in your mind or your heart as to what you should or should not do.
You can combine both the mind and your emotions to further your spiritual development. Let's say you feel a strong emotion like anger at something someone does. You can use your mind to question that anger to get to the true source of that anger. "Why did I feel this? What inside of myself is not congruent?"
She was also a lawyer. I didn't know what I was up against. Seriously, I would go into an argument so convinced of my perspective..with supporting details even, and yet, I would walk away distrusting my own perspective.
yeah, you didn't have much of a chance. The fact that she is a lawyer should have been a big warning sign for you-Lawyer is Latin for liar. Regardless, if you have your standards for relationships firmly in place she can't argue her way out of it.
Do you think criticism can be delivered in a way that wouldn't be breaking your rule for respect and kindness?
Absolutely, 'offer advice only when it's asked for'. For example, if we met in person and you were telling me about everything and I felt and urge to offer advice I would say something like "hey, do you mind if I offer you some advice?" I would get your permission before saying anything.
I would do this because it's the respectful thing to do but also because it's damn annoying to hear someone say things you didn't ask for-unsolicited advice.
Also, you need them to agree to the advice or they won't really listen. I ask them 'are you sure? are you really sure?" I'll get them to agree at least three times. It helps bring down the defensiveness that comes with offering advice. If they agree at least three times and then argue their mind will become incongruent.
You can use the same thing when you are setting the boundaries in the beginning of the relationship. "Do you want a relationship like this?" "are you sure? are you absolutely 100% positive?" Then when they break the rules (which WILL happen) you can say "you agreed to them. Were you lying to me? because honesty is not an option in my relationship" Now they have two choices 1) admit to being a liar or 2) own up to their mistakes. So you either have someone who owns up to their wrong doings or someone who is a liar. Either way it will become clear what type of person you are dealing with.
You can use the same thing when she tries to be guarded when you ask her questions. Make one of your rules "openness and willing to share with the rest of the group" a rule. If she doesn't then she's a liar by agreeing one day then turning around and doing something completely different.
It was good talking to you. I have a contact box when you have more questions
Cheers,
Alex Strandberg
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