Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Opinions on non-coercive parenting?

carenkh · 07-21-2009, 01:00 PM

I don't agree with TCS, that the child's preference takes priority - I believe their NEEDS do, when they are very young. But I go with more of a Consensual Living approach - finding the win/win/win for everyone. I'm finding the more I live this way, the more I can find those solutions everywhere, not just in parenting.

We are radical unschoolers, and my responses to folks differ based on the place they play in my life. Most often, a simple, "This is working really well for us right now. If that changes, we'll change" works. If they're closer friends, I'll thank them for their concern, but reiterate we're doing what works for us as a family. I have a friend who parents very differently than I do, and we've agreed to disagree. There are a few uncomfortable moments here and there, but she's a very, very good friend, and worth feeling those. If she was very punitive and controlling, we wouldn't be friends any more.

I've surrounded myself with people with similar values, for the support I initially needed to make these changes and live this way. Virtually surrounding, anyway - email lists, online discussion groups, etc. I also get together with other unschoolers as often as I can, because I really like these people, but again, for the support, so my kids can see there are other kids who aren't belittled and controlled and coerced.

I don't feel the need to justify the choices I make with my kids to anyone. I don't spend time trying to convince people. We just keep living this way, and the "proof" is in how alive my kids are, how interested they are in life, how respectful and thoughtful they are, especially as they get older.

I don't doubt that this approach works, because I've gotten to know enough adults and teens who were raised this way, and they are not self-entitled jerks. They are people I want to be around.

There's a line between completely kow-towing to kids, and taking their needs and wants seriously. It's been a whole reworking of the way I view parenting and children, and it's hard to get across in just a few lines.

07-21-2009, 01:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
carenkh Family Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 1,800	I don't agree with TCS, that the child's preference takes priority - I believe their NEEDS do, when they are very young. But I go with more of a Consensual Living approach - finding the win/win/win for everyone. I'm finding the more I live this way, the more I can find those solutions everywhere, not just in parenting. We are radical unschoolers, and my responses to folks differ based on the place they play in my life. Most often, a simple, "This is working really well for us right now. If that changes, we'll change" works. If they're closer friends, I'll thank them for their concern, but reiterate we're doing what works for us as a family. I have a friend who parents very differently than I do, and we've agreed to disagree. There are a few uncomfortable moments here and there, but she's a very, very good friend, and worth feeling those. If she was very punitive and controlling, we wouldn't be friends any more. I've surrounded myself with people with similar values, for the support I initially needed to make these changes and live this way. Virtually surrounding, anyway - email lists, online discussion groups, etc. I also get together with other unschoolers as often as I can, because I really like these people, but again, for the support, so my kids can see there are other kids who aren't belittled and controlled and coerced. I don't feel the need to justify the choices I make with my kids to anyone. I don't spend time trying to convince people. We just keep living this way, and the "proof" is in how alive my kids are, how interested they are in life, how respectful and thoughtful they are, especially as they get older. I don't doubt that this approach works, because I've gotten to know enough adults and teens who were raised this way, and they are not self-entitled jerks. They are people I want to be around. There's a line between completely kow-towing to kids, and taking their needs and wants seriously. It's been a whole reworking of the way I view parenting and children, and it's hard to get across in just a few lines.