If you’ve carved out an ideal future self with all the traits and characteristics you’d like to possess, is it inauthentic to act from that space if you’re not there yet? Is this the same as repressing?
I never bought into the phrase "fake it till you make it". Getting to where you want to be means accepting where you are and working on yourself to the point where you naturally over time get to that state. If you 'act as if' you will ignore everything that could have been done to get you there.
For example, you do something that your ideal self wouldn't do but you ignore and repress it in an attempt to keep up that image. The incongruence will bottle up and explode over time. The pretending will actually hurt and hinder your process. Know your ideal and forget it along the way.
What do you do when you understand something intellectually but fail to internalize it? fail to really live from it without having to recite reminders?
Just go with it. Knowing what you should do is not the same as feeling that this is the right thing to do-accept it. The mind will work faster than your emotions and you need to allow time before your emotions catch up.
In addition, when you learn a lesson fully your emotions and your mind will understand it completely. Many times I have understood what I needed to do but didn't because I didn't feel it emotionally. Every time that happened I just continued to fail the lesson until it hit me on a deep emotional level.
is there any worth in this rehashing of events with her? Can any good come of it or am I opening myself up to more drama and confusion?
Absolutely. Personal growth is not 100% positive, happy, fun times. The most growth you will get doesn't come from the positive but from the negative. You are talking to a girl who is obviously bad for you so that means you still have a few more lessons to learn. Once again, you understand intellectually it's a bad idea but you don't emotionally feel it.
I suggest going through it again (despite what your mind says) until you reach that point where letting her go is NO longer a struggle. Trust me, that moment will come when saying good bye isn't met with doubt and regret. That point comes only when you fully experienced what you were meant to learn. If you find yourself still drawn to her it means that you haven't fully learned everything that you can.
I know there is probably about a million lessons to take away from this but here are a few I came up with:
-Honest is not an option in my relationships. If I feel like a girl I'm dating is withholding information I don't accept 'I don't want to talk about it" or "what, don't you trust me? If you trusted me you wouldn't ask so many questions" as an answer. I will pry her open for the answers and if she is completely unwilling to talk then the relationship is over. If I can't trust you, this won't work.
-If someone gets defensive then there is something they are hiding. The best way to get away with anything that lacks integrity and honesty is to go on the offense. My favorite is "what, don't you trust me?"
This works because it draws on the other persons fear of losing them. Every suspicion can be quarreled when the other person doesn't want you to break up with them. Your fear will cause you to doubt your own intuition. Get to work on that fear and you will not get "betrayed" again.
-Dealing with manipulation: Women are good arguers aren't they? You could see a guy comment on her facebook about having a good time last night and still be able to get away with it.
The way around a manipulator is to do one of two things: notice their manipulation tactics and 2) have a core set of relationship principles.
If you have a boundaries or rules to a relationship there is no way for a person to manipulate you. Here are some:
Honesty/respect is not an option. Treat my heart with kindness.
So, if she is critical of you (ie nagging) she is breaking both rules. She could try to talk her way out of it and turn it around on you but she has no argument because the rules are set in place.
When you combine a good arguer with fear of lose (you fear losing her) it's very easy to get off track and forget that the other person did wrong. You might even end up feeling guilty for being mad at you (crazy as that sounds it happens a lot).
When you stay focused on those two rules in an argument the other person has no ground to stand on. They can say whatever they want to but it doesn't change the fact that they broke the rules.
It's important to establish the rules if you decide to get back with her. She says she has changed but if you stick to those two principles you will soon find out whether or not it's the truth.
If she absolutely refuses to accept responsibility when she breaks the rules then you know your answer as to whether or not she changed.
Check out an article I wrote on cheating at my website:
Being Cheated On