[winteredmind]

Greetings everyone. This is my first post.

I’ve been reading this site for a few years, and it’s finally now, in an impetuous act of overwhelm, that I’m deciding to move from lurker to contributor.

Anyway. I’m writing because I need ‘objective’ advice. I’m longwinded and I fear trying to relay the ‘story’ would be a tedious read and deter response. So I’m just going to ask my question after providing a bit of context…but if the story is needed in order to receive more sound advice I’ll definitely try to summarize.

So, my partner was unfaithful. As always in these scenarios, there was a lot of deceit and manipulation. On my side, there was a lot of denying of my intuition/emotions. I’m *very* left-brained and unemotional (or so I’ve been described). So, not having any hard evidence, it was difficult for me to accept the legitimacy of my insecurity—causing me to persist in the relationship.

She was very mysterious and closed off—and I wanted to penetrate that. I wanted to KNOW her. But my attempts to dig were always met with suspicion and defensiveness. I was frustrated, but I felt like I couldn’t walk away without regret because it was the first time I felt attracted to someone who I also respected as an intellectual equal. (I know that sounds arrogant, but it’s the truth of how I was feeling) .

Actually, a frequent criticism from her was that I’m arrogant and judgmental—so I wanted to prove to both her and myself that I was either not those things or could transcend them. So even though I found her personality very disagreeable at times (secretive, immature, manipulative)—I endured these things out of some misguided attempt to love her unconditionally. Also in an attempt to grow into a less judgmental person in general.

It’s been a bit over a year. And I’ve done a lot of self-examination, yet I’m still failing to see what the hidden message/benefit/lesson was. I still feel very connected to the situation. I still keep ruminating, analyzing, judging despite my conscious efforts to ‘let it go.’ I’ve recited all types of "higher wisdom" to myself—trying to take 100% responsibility for what happened. But my resistance toward her is still alive.

It’s not heart ache that I feel. I didn’t even really get to know her as a person in the year that we were together. It’s more like an extremely bruised ego. I’m embarrassed that for a ‘smart’ person, that I was so easily deceived and manipulated. I feel comodified.. used. Or rather I’m choosing to feel that way, however unconsciously.

I also feel frustration that she still appeals to me.

She’s been pouring out her heart sporadically ever since, proclaiming she’s changed—and it gives my ego some satisfaction that she still wants me, or is saying she does. For awhile, I was indignantly refusing communication. But now..I’m opening myself up to hear her perspective. Genuinely, I’d like to empathize. I’d like to understand why she behaved the way she did. So I sent her a tactful 'get it all out' e-mail (e-mail because we're in different countries now). But I also feel like I’m opening myself up to more lies and manipulation. Especially, in the format of an e-mail where she has time to edit and mold her words accordingly.

I’m just looking for an alternative way to perceive the situation. I feel like I’m all knee deep in it and can’t see it for what it is. I feel trapped in this consciousness and it’s seriously draining my energy and my ability to move forward with my life the way I would like to.

So I’m appealing to the very wise and intelligent people in this forum. I want to know:

How do you distinguish the uncomfortablity of growth vs. the uncomfortability of walking down the entirely wrong path?

If you’ve carved out an ideal future self with all the traits and characteristics you’d like to possess, is it inauthentic to act from that space if you’re not there yet? Is this the same as repressing?

I feel like part of my problems in many areas of my life is that I always try to think of the 'right' or 'enlightened' way to look at things rather than just accept how I'm feeling. I don't take the time to just sit with things as they arise. I immediately try to solve them.

What do you do when you understand something intellectually but fail to internalize it? fail to really live from it without having to recite reminders?

And more specific to my situation, is there any worth in this rehashing of events with her? Can any good come of it or am I opening myself up to more drama and confusion?

I thought I would have deeper understanding in choosing to hear her out..but I just feel 'caught up' all over again as I anticipate her response.

And finally, why is it that she still appeals to me? Is it the unsolved mystery? Is my self-esteem really low that I would engage with someone who has treated me so disrepectfully? Is it ever advisable to just 'cut someone off' to protect yourself? or is it that cowardly?


This ended up rather long anyway. Thank you in advance if you’ve read all the way through and special thanks if you offer feedback. All advice welcome.

Particularly, I'd like to hear from Angela. I've always found your advice to others in the relationship department eye opening..but I've been unable to apply those pieces of wisdom to my own situation successfully.