[sallyfrieldam]

Hi farryn

I am really sorry you are in this situation. It must be very upsetting. Please try and remember that your feelings are important and they do count and if he attempts a character assassination ( hopefully he wont, i'm sure he's a nice guy) and starts telling you that you are basically a bad person for feeling this way just remember that it is ok to want the things you want (a monogamous relationship) and there are other women and men out there who want the same thing. Hopefully a couple of the things I say below are helpful to you

1. if you google "one angry girl designs", click on that link, go right to the bottom of her home page and then view "Read other peoples stories" link you'll read about hundreds and hundreds of people who have found themselves in a relationship with a person that wants to use porn. A lot of the people there talk about the relief they feel to realise that other people
dont like it. There is immense huge pressure on females and males to be pro porn. Television, films, music and other media are powerful mental conditioning mediums and the majority of the messages these things send out include a pornified version of life. As a female in the uk i see the sexualised picture of young submissive females everywhere I go!! For every 100 images of females i maybe see 1 image of males. People say sex sells but in reality pictures of naked non threatening women sells, a heterosexual females version of sex is not a picture of a naked woman, trust me!!


2. There is hope. My previous relationship was 3 years and not great. He looked at porn and drank and we were just not suited so we argued. My current realtionship is six years so far. He is EXTREMELY sexual, he masturbates loads and he is totally exclusive, he doesnt look at porn. When he thinks sexual thoughts he thinks about me, and I afford him the same
courtesy. We are very very happy together, we have a very good sexual realitonship and we also have so much fun and laughter together. I think one of the crucial differences was that my previous boyfriend and I met in a nightclub where he fancied me and approached me. My current boyfriend and I were friends for six months, it was a meeting and love of minds first.

I think that one way in which people are naturally monogamous to each other is when they relate to each other as a person and not an object. The best analogy is of best friends. A best friend is so unique that when one moves away or dies we are sad for our loss. Most people do not have strong emotional connections to objects however. When a printer breaks we go out and buy a new one. It is an irritation, but a minor one compared to the departure of a best friend.

I feel like in our society men are conditioned to think that the more objects they aquire (females they have vagina and penis intercourse with, or some form of penis centered activity) they better they are as human beings. I also think men are conditioned to feel unmanly if they are not top dog, alpha male.

If people realte to each other as objects then when they walk down the street they can see a hugh array of shiny sparkly objects that they wish to consume (i.e. a male seeing females he want to be sexual with)If we relate to people as people we see females and males but we know that they all have different personalities, so we can be attracted to their bodies, but instead of this being the whole picture we also need to talk to them, get a feel for who
they are before we can start feeling very attracted to them.

I think this is how myself and my boyfriend manage to remain monogamous. We are in love with the whole of each other. I am not 100% in love with his body. If I was then when I saw some dude with tighter pecks and a perkier bum I would dump this guy and persue the other. I do love his body, and I also love his personality and mind.

Farryn, I do think it is possible for you to be in a relationship where you just want each other, not other people as well. If I masturbated to the thought of people other than my boyfriend (used porn) then I would conclude that I obviously liked that thought. Therefore I equate the use of porn with the desire for ,at the very least, a fantasy of an open relationship.

3. People say that thoughts are not real. One of the founding tenants of Personal Development is that thoughts shape our reality. I think ultimately what we concentrate on in life we get more of. So simply from a practical point of view I feel like porn conditions people to like polygamy. This is all well and good unless the person they are with wants monogamy. Polygamy carries with it an increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases if people are not careful.