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Originally Posted by Big C  Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem. Im 42 and still haent met anyone and it the truth be known am fed up of being on my own. I have no end of confidence in other aspects of my life like in my job, travelling alone, social situations etc but the negativity i feel about myself always has held me back where women are concerned. I have a total hatred of how i look, to the extent i hate having my photo taken, avoid my refelection in mirors etc. Im convinced im so ugly no woman would ever look at me. Apart from hating how i look i do have good points, im honest, caring, generous, humourous, loyal, and i keep telling myself these are qualities women would like. The thing is how do women ever get to know your inner qualities if you dont look like a member of the latest boy band? I keep trying to like myself more knowing if you dont like yourself you cant expect others to, but as always when it comes to women i always seem to take the negative out of every situation, i suppose its all down to confidence with the opposite sex, how i can be confident in other areas and not in personal relations i dont know, people that know me wouldnt dream i have this confidence issue as they all see me as someone who knows their own mind and achieves what i set out to do. When you see guys who abuse women and seem to have no problem going from relationship to relationship it makes you wonder what women really want, i always end up thinking id never treat anyone like that but dont even get the chance of a relationship. I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it. |
Hi you are definately not alone in the way that you feel. I have worked with a number of men face to face through coaching that have issues with their self esteem.
You have some terrific qualities including the courage to write how you feel, you also mention the qualities you are aware of honesty, caring attitude, loyalty, humour and generousity - these qualities form part of your uniqueness and are worth reinforcing into your thoughts on a regular basis.
Society has conditioned us to look towards our own appearance as being the be all and end all. Advertising, media, comparisons to celebs, pop stars etc have led a huge amount of society to draw unfavourable opinions of self due to this. I have to say that our own perception of self is very unrealistic due to this and that we are often a lot harsher with ourselves than others would be.
The journey through life is your own and without trying to sound too directive (apologies if I am) I have found that one of the most effective approaches I have noticed is that by changing the focus away from one goal e.g. finding someone to be with onto another one e.g. learning something new, completing a project, doing something for someone else etc causes not only a rise in personal self worth/appreciation but also can cause changes in other unrelated parts of life too, e.g it hasn't been unknown for a client to meet a special someone after a change in focus and direction.
You sound like a really interesting guy, sociable, travel alone. If you do the same things, go to the same places there is a high chance that you will get similar/same results. It may be worth considering looking to do something different.
I really wish you well for the future.