[Apollia]

Originally Posted by Angela

They may very well be better off staying silent than voicing grievances, if they're focusing on problem rather than solution. A problem-focus can make the grievance-voicer feel even worse, and get into a downward spiral from which it's more difficult to recover than from a still silence. (Silence doesn't require suffering, after all.)

Very true, even in my experience. I also totally agree that having a solution-focus is much better.

I really like those terms - problem-focus and solution-focus. They really make it obvious what exactly is wrong with the bad type of complaining.

Being ignored or dismissed is feedback. A person who is problem-focused has the opportunity to make a choice in the face of that feedback. She might make it mean she's even more of a victim, or she might try something new that works better (e.g., a solution-focus).

That's a nice way of looking at it.

That sounds cold to me, too, when someone orders someone around like that. Also it's not inspiring, and it's not effective. In fact, I would call that a form of whining. I guess it may also sound cold when people take a stand, too: "You can keep complaining if you want to, but I prefer to hang around with people who are at cause in their lives. Would you like to look for a solution? Or would you prefer to just part ways now?" It's up to the listener.

Agreed, even though the speaker can often influence the likely reaction of the listener a lot through their choice of words, etc. (Not that I think I'm telling you anything you didn't already know. You're obviously very adept at choosing words well).

Of course, you may have to be a little more inspiring if you want to influence the king.

Yup.

I don't think you're whining. I think you're just thinking things through,

Thanks.

and maybe you value justice highly.

Yes, and mercy even more highly.

Thanks and happy Independence Day to you, too! My favorite holiday.

Thanks, and thanks again for your thoughts. You definitely clarified things a lot for me.

Best wishes,
Apollia