[DivaLion]

I am hoping some of the very wise people here will share their perspectives on a situation I find myself in.

I have two friends-- let's call them Jane and Marie. They used to date each other and for a long time before that they were close friends. Jane, feeling unhappy about certain things in the relationship, broke up with Marie without really any warning. Marie, feeling ambushed and hurt, and having a tendency to be very cutting when she's upset, lashed out at Jane. Things have continued in this way and reached the point where neither of them can be in the room with each other, and my entire circle of friends including myself has started to feel the strain of trying to maintain friendships with both of them. The hate and anger between them is having a ripple effect outwards.

And if you talk to either of them, they are each completely convinced that they are in the right, that the other one behaved abusively, and anyone who might suggest that they themselves might have made mistakes too, is clearly trying to make them out to be "the bad guy". Part of the strain socially is that they've gotten so blinded by how awful they each think the other is, that they can't understand why anyone else would want to spend time with that person. Neither of them feels they have anything to apologize for, but they both believe they are owed an apology by the other, and don't want to forgive the other one without it.

(Also, I can't believe I'm 33 years old and I have a situation like this in my life. I feel like I should have left this behind about 16 years ago!)

Now, my own pickle comes from the fact that Jane, who is trying to work through this in therapy, contacted me to say that she and Marie started tentatively communicating, and had agreed to meet sometime in the near future to try to make some kind of peace with each other so that they could at least attend the same social functions without an incident. And they had agreed that they should have a mediator present, and were asking me to fill that role.

I was thrilled to hear that they were taking these steps, and agreed to do it so long as we were all clear on what my role would entail, and there were some established ground rules in place to keep hostilities at a minimum. I believed that they both wanted this and frankly thought it was a good idea for them to have a third party helping keep things in check.

But when I mentioned to my fiance that they were planning to talk, before I got another word out of my mouth, he rolled his eyes and said he knew, because Marie had been at our house recently and complaining to one of our housemates about how Jane's therapist thought they needed to sit down and talk and so now Marie had to get stuck having to spend time talking to Jane, and she was just being very snipe-ish and dismissive of the idea.

So now I'm not quite sure what to do. It doesn't sound like Marie is going to go into this with a genuine openness, and I'm concerned that Jane thinks she is and will be headed for a rude awakening. But I'm not sure if I should say anything to her, and if so, what I could say that wouldn't get blown out of proportion. Similarly, I'm not sure how (and whether) to approach Marie to find out if she really does feel that hostile about this meeting without her jumping to a negative conclusion. I'm not exaggerating to say that these two have been extraordinarily unreasonable at the very mention of each other for a long time now.

And leaving aside the question of whether this talk is going to do any good at all, I've begun to feel that perhaps I should withdraw my agreement to mediate. I was put off by Marie's attitude and that makes me think I would be a little too prejudiced. But again, I'm not sure how I'd explain that without re-starting the conflict, and I think I should talk directly to Marie before making a decision on that basis, but like I said, I don't know quite how to broach all that with her. And there IS a part of me that is just so sick of the whole thing that I want to withdraw just because I don't want to be anywhere near the situation anymore and that's not the kind of energy I want to surround myself with.

On the other hand, these are women who have been close friends of mine for years, who have come through for me many times, and who are smart, funny, gifted, and loving people for the most part. I wish I could make them see those qualities in each other. I wish I could make them see that neither of them is evil, that both of them are hurting, and it's all so unnecessary if they would just *try* to let go of some of this hostility. I don't want to abandon good people whom I love deeply, but I'm tired, and it seems impossible to get through to either of them where the other is concerned.

I've been ruminating on this, but I would love some other perspectives and advice...I feel like I'm too close to the situation to see what the right thing is to do anymore.