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Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf  Might as well make my first post (hi everybody!) a deeply honest one 
I'm 32 years old and only just lost my virginity this January to the first girl who displayed a real sexual interest in me after getting to know me. We were together for three months after that.
Me having a good deal of social anxiety didn't help in getting to meet girls.. but deep down I guess the real reason was that I didn't think I had anything to offer to a potential partner. Luckily my self-esteem has risen during the last five year after a bout with cancer and I'm now dating although it's still very hard for me to do.
Funny how having cancer can develop real strength and give a sense of perspective about what's important in life. It certainly deactivated my "autopilot" way of living.
As far as approach anxiety goes - I wouldn't say I would rather rob a bank.. but I can give presentations at work, attend business meetings, ride a mountainbike down steep hills, sail an ocean kayak in rough weather, etc. etc. - all without much fear at all. But approaching a woman instills an incredible fear.
An an example - some years ago a woman displayed interest in me at a bar (first time that happened in my life) by having a friend tell me she would like it if I came over and talked to her at some point during the evening. This elevated my fear to a level where my entire body was literally shaking and I couldn't think straight. I ended up putting it off for so long that she left the bar. The fear of approaching someone who hasn't displayed interest scares me even more.. |
Hi Coffeesmurf, welcome. I am new here too and I only came here when I was finally learning what you fear most. I wish I found this place sooner. It would have helped me to know that others were in the same boat.
I haven't seen many posts recently that give hope to people about this fear. For me it was what I didn't want to face. Tonight again as in yesterday and earlier today I approached random girls and started conversations.
Last night I spoke to maybe 15-20 and about 5 had boyfriends who pulled them away or stood there (I then made conversation with them, they seemed to respect that I liked there girl) and about 10 maybe started talking then I walked away since I wasn't from the area and maybe 5 I couldn't get anything going with. Nothing happened but I had fun talking to the girls and the other guys sat around watching, I liked that because that used to be me and I noticed.
Tonight I talked to maybe 7 girls and never really got much going with any of them except two. I ended up sitting by some coffee place while her friend waited and then got her number. Hopefully it goes well.
Look forward to succeeding. Really I feared this more than you and only since maybe about 2 weeks ago I was doing well and maybe since last week I feel confident to approach all the time. Nothing will happen and I say this to help you and reassure myself. Have fun. I am still trying to find the girl that I can go out with all the time and it's fun trying to find her.
Your Friend.