Originally Posted by Gary
For the disrespectful issue
I think it is important to break it down into smaller pieces. You canít look at an emotional interaction between two people and say one element is ďtheĒ issue. Dynamics in our mind and emotions are complex enough. When you add another person you multiply it by about six. (Thatís right I said six) But here are a few elements to consider.
1. Someone can disrespect you totally independent of what you do. They are late to meetings as their own habit. They are rude and say unkind things as a matter of their personality. This is their half.
2. We take it personally. We are offended by their behavior and feel hurt. This part is our half. We create it by our interpretations of what their behavior means about us. We react because their behavior doesnít fit our expectations of how people should treat us or others. Treating our self with this kind of emotional reaction is disrespectful to our self. We are hurting our own emotional body. They didnít create our emotions.
Our reaction is based in the unseen beliefs of these expectations. With different beliefs and expectations we would have a different emotional reaction. Therefore, our emotions are our half.
3. Not wanting to feel hurt emotionally, we go to defend our self from their hurt. The mechanism to do this is to generate anger which would push them away. This is often how we learned to create boundaries. Anger and frustrations are our creation. Generating anger and treating our emotional body to this experience is not respectful either.
How someone else treats us is one thing. How we create our reaction is a completely separate event. How we react is an indication of how we treat our self.
4. Boundaries are healthy. Anger is a way of forming a boundary. Its roots design is to control anotherís behavior through punishment. Itís unconscious and poor logic, but it goes like this; people will treat us better if we punish them with anger when not treating us well.
A boundary can be a good healthy and self respecting thing. When done with anger however it tends to be disrespectful and detrimental to both parties. With conscious awareness we can place boundaries with people who are disrespectful without using anger.
5. How should you react to someone when they are disrespectful??? That depends on whether you can dissolve the taking it personally and the anger reaction. As long as those are in play you choices will be limited.
6. In any case put boundaries there or make adjustments. Someone said earlier, if the person they are meeting is habitually late, leave after ten minutes, or bring a book or invite another friend, or donít agree to meet them. There are a thousand choices. The change that will make the real difference in your emotions is to drop your expectations of what they should do. That expectation is your half that I assume Steve is writing about. It is your subjective reality of them. It isnít them.
When you shift the expectation you dissolve the taking it personally and anger reaction. Then you might conclude that their behavior is no big deal. It is no big deal because you no longer create emotional reactions to them. At that point why would you need to go change someone that you arenít creating emotional reactions about?
7. Create Boundaries. To continually put your self in situations where people disrespect you is disrespecting your self. You canít always control this. Not reacting may not change another personís behavior. Sometimes in a job it may not be easy to just quit. If you have to pay rent and feed children you donít always have the option to stand up to an angry boss or quit. It may take time to create an exit strategy. But in the mean time, you can dissolve the core beliefs and emotional reactions that make up your half of taking it personally.
Placing a boundary with person is a separate element. Your choices in how you do that expand as you clean up your half of the emotional reaction.
In summary. There is how a person treats you. Then there is your reaction. Third, there is the boundary or what you do about it. Each of the three parts has its own subparts of emotions, interpretations, core beliefs and expectations. The way to clean up your half is to do a core belief inventory on it.
Relationships are complex issues. When there is conflict and emotional reactions there isnít one thing to point to and say, ďThat is the problem.Ē Itís some work to break it down and understand who owns what, and what you will do about your half. But at least then you arenít chasing a symptom.
Hm, so we should carry expectations ourselves but never for others? If that were the case, how would an employer make sure that the work was getting done by the employees?
I think what you're saying that you have to have expectations set by yourself of how people can treat you. Either you settle for it or don't and if someone violates the boundary that you've set, you let them know. Anger can be the good way to enforce that boundary but caution should be used before doing something that may damage the relationship even further.
But getting upset and keeping that anger doesn't make sense. Recognize your emotion and move on. The purpose of anger isn't for the sake of getting angry, but to recognize an expectation which wasn't met. Am I right? Let it go and focus on being friends with people who do respect you?