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DivaLion · 01-31-2007, 08:22 PM

Hi Michelle,

I went through very much the same thing you are going through...after a childhood and adolescence spent turning rage inwards on myself and denying its existence, I began to let myself feel and explore and accept anger.

One of my most useful tools was my journal. The key was ensuring that it was totally private so that I could say *anything* in it, even ugly and hateful things. It felt like telling someone even though no one would ever see it but me. I usually wrote every day, three pages (sides of a page) a sitting.

Another was a CD I made for myself of "mad music". It was full of the rawest, screamiest, angriest, loudest music I could find. (Tip: Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is GREAT for a mix like this!) I played it in the car when I was alone, and I would blast the volume and scream along with the lyrics and pound on the steering wheel at stoplights. Sometimes I'd just sit in the car parked away from people and play it. (Windows always up, of course!) It always burned up the most consuming feelings of rage and let me get enough equilibrium to function normally afterward. Back then, I played it sometimes every day. I haven't played it at all now in a few years, haven't needed to.

I'm Pagan, so another approach I took was to create a catharsis ritual for myself and some of my spiritual community who felt they also needed it. We literally borrowed a cabin in the middle of a hundred acres of nothingness and led people on a guided meditation based on the Descent of Inanna to an open field with a huge bonfire. Using "mad music" and loud chants and stomping and provocations I worked everyone up to an intense emotional state and then everyone went into their own space to scream and vent and cry and beat the ground and let it all hang out with no inhibitions at all. Afterwards we had a grounding altar where everyone sat and had a little food and water and soothing music and hugs and got a chance to come down and reconnect with each other in a loving way. It was a pretty profound experience for everyone, but of course we did this with a couple of experienced people staying outside and ready to intervene if anyone needed help, and with stringent rules established to prevent anyone from getting into a conflict with anyone else there. It was actually that experience that made me discover that I no longer needed a catharsis, ironically, and that I could work with that kind of dark furious energy safely and without being consumed by it anymore.

I really found that on a day to day level, I needed to learn to allow myself to be angry and to believe that I had a right to be angry regardless of what the situation warranted. As someone else here mentioned, I also found it helpful to understand anger as a signal pointing to something that needed attention, and learning to deal with the root cause. But I also came to understand anger as energy, as power. It was evidence of my boundaries, of my protectiveness of myself. Appreciating its role and its value really helped me to learn to experience it, accept it, act appropriately on it, and then let it go.

It definitely took a while and a lot of regular purging-- it was like lancing a particularly stubborn boil. Another thing that helped was pouring that energy into creative pursuits. Dancing and writing seemed to be especially good ones for me. Alchemizing that "bad" stuff into art or exercise or something else that benefitted me helped me to appreciate the role anger played in my life and helped me stop avoiding it.

Anyway, long answer, but I hope some of that is helpful to you! Good luck and congratulations on being willing to tap into and deal with that stuff!

01-31-2007, 08:22 PM	#8 (permalink)
DivaLion Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northern VA Posts: 31	Hi Michelle, I went through very much the same thing you are going through...after a childhood and adolescence spent turning rage inwards on myself and denying its existence, I began to let myself feel and explore and accept anger. One of my most useful tools was my journal. The key was ensuring that it was totally private so that I could say anything in it, even ugly and hateful things. It felt like telling someone even though no one would ever see it but me. I usually wrote every day, three pages (sides of a page) a sitting. Another was a CD I made for myself of "mad music". It was full of the rawest, screamiest, angriest, loudest music I could find. (Tip: Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is GREAT for a mix like this!) I played it in the car when I was alone, and I would blast the volume and scream along with the lyrics and pound on the steering wheel at stoplights. Sometimes I'd just sit in the car parked away from people and play it. (Windows always up, of course!) It always burned up the most consuming feelings of rage and let me get enough equilibrium to function normally afterward. Back then, I played it sometimes every day. I haven't played it at all now in a few years, haven't needed to. I'm Pagan, so another approach I took was to create a catharsis ritual for myself and some of my spiritual community who felt they also needed it. We literally borrowed a cabin in the middle of a hundred acres of nothingness and led people on a guided meditation based on the Descent of Inanna to an open field with a huge bonfire. Using "mad music" and loud chants and stomping and provocations I worked everyone up to an intense emotional state and then everyone went into their own space to scream and vent and cry and beat the ground and let it all hang out with no inhibitions at all. Afterwards we had a grounding altar where everyone sat and had a little food and water and soothing music and hugs and got a chance to come down and reconnect with each other in a loving way. It was a pretty profound experience for everyone, but of course we did this with a couple of experienced people staying outside and ready to intervene if anyone needed help, and with stringent rules established to prevent anyone from getting into a conflict with anyone else there. It was actually that experience that made me discover that I no longer needed a catharsis, ironically, and that I could work with that kind of dark furious energy safely and without being consumed by it anymore. I really found that on a day to day level, I needed to learn to allow myself to be angry and to believe that I had a right to be angry regardless of what the situation warranted. As someone else here mentioned, I also found it helpful to understand anger as a signal pointing to something that needed attention, and learning to deal with the root cause. But I also came to understand anger as energy, as power. It was evidence of my boundaries, of my protectiveness of myself. Appreciating its role and its value really helped me to learn to experience it, accept it, act appropriately on it, and then let it go. It definitely took a while and a lot of regular purging-- it was like lancing a particularly stubborn boil. Another thing that helped was pouring that energy into creative pursuits. Dancing and writing seemed to be especially good ones for me. Alchemizing that "bad" stuff into art or exercise or something else that benefitted me helped me to appreciate the role anger played in my life and helped me stop avoiding it. Anyway, long answer, but I hope some of that is helpful to you! Good luck and congratulations on being willing to tap into and deal with that stuff!