Day 6: Failed
Wow. It is excruciating to post this because I was doing so well. I'm still kind of in denial. Last night I got up in the middle of the night and found myself masturbating (the Devil made me do it?
). I am humiliated and discouraged, but I am trying to be kind to myself because "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1.
Masturbation has always been more than physical pleasure for me. I connect highly with the fantasies involved, and I have always imagined up stories with specific people that are as much about emotional intimacy as pleasure. It feels so weird talking about this, but I'm trying to explore this more. I speculated from the beginning that my need for intimacy could be filled by an intimacy with Christ. I guess I'm not doing so well with that because at the end of the day I still feel the desire for connection that I'm not getting through my faith. I
know that my desire is not strictly sexual, but that is the only way I know how to try to meet it. I feel like part of my sexual "need" is just a perversion of my emotional need.
I have to go, I might post more later tonight. I am going to start over at day 1. I really want to have an uninterrupted 30 days under my belt (no pun intended
).