Complaining and bossing ("advising") are not effective ways to make another person change. Most people will resist, and if they do change, there will probably be resentment, a feeling of being "owed", or other thoughts that don't feel good. But complaining and bossing are great sources for your own growth! But it's not so eye-for-an-eye, as some people in the thread have been baffled about. If it was, it would be so easy to see! You have to look a little deeper. Here's some conversations I had in December:
(Angela to Angela, silently): V. is always late, and it drives me batshit. I keep my word and be on time, so she should, too. I feel trapped when I'm kept waiting, and it's wrong of her to trap me! She acts like her time is more valuable than mine. She's training me to not trust her. Just because she's busy and overwhelmed....d'oh! It occurs to me that I'm really busy and overwhelmed at work, and there are little resistances I'm doing there that cost my boss my time. Plus it just adds to my overwhelm. What, me? passive aggressive?! Rats. Maybe it's not V. I'm complaining about.
(Angela to V., out loud): V., I'm uncomfortable waiting for you when you don't show up at the time we agreed to. I love you and love spending time with you, but this has become a problem for me. I'm sorry I've gotten mad at you and made things worse. The discomfort really kicks in for me after waiting for about 10 or 15 minutes, so going forward, if you're 15 minutes late, I will have ordered my meal, or gone ahead into the movie, or simply left. Does that work for you?
(V. to Angela -- V. is crying a little): You know, I've been really busy and overwhelmed with kids, husband, and house, and I can see that being late is one way I sort of feel in control. It's not fair that you've had to pay the price for that, and I'm sorry. In the future I will do my best to be on time, and if you're gone, then I'll know I have no one to blame but myself. Would you please at least keep your cell phone on so I won't have to worry?
(Angela to V.): sure! (love love hugs hugs).
(Angela to Mr. Boss): You and Mrs. Boss have been piling more tasks on me than I can handle, and we all get upset when things fall through the cracks. I've been overwhelmed and haven't been doing the best possible job for you, but I love you and want to do a great job and have us all be succesful. How about we hire another person to help out?
(Mr. Boss to Angela): I know. I'm really overwhelmed lately, too. Just do the best you can and we'll have to deal with things falling through the cracks. I'm not going to hire another person right now. We love you and want you to work for us forever, though; I'll tell Mrs. Boss to back off. Meanwhile, what else would it take to make you happy?
(Angela to Mr. Boss): More money would help -- how about a 15% raise?
(Mr. Boss to Angela): Ok. You want another mojito? (glug glug)