You posted that your grandmother got Alzheimer's at 60 and that that wasn't fair because she was so kind. Dying young is not a punishment. maybe she did everything she came here to do and was done. Think of it like graduating early. And she gave herself an out.
I am a medium and I have had contact with lots of people on the other side who have committed suicide. Some transition really well and easily, they fold easily into a state of love and forgiveness (towards themselves) and they are just right as rain. Others put themselves in Hell, a psychological torment riddled with shame, guilt, or fear.
Suicide is allowed, but it does not release you from your lessons. It's like dropping a course you signed up for in college. You'll still have to finish it again later if you want the degree.
Why not try turning your life over to service to others. People find an incredible amount of fulfillment in doing that. Might make life worth living if you can devote yourself to helping others.
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