Thanks for your kind words sk8joyful i think there's a lot of kindness inside me more than I've been able to show but my life so far has treated me with indifference and contempt and a few years ago when I was no different from what I am now no real friends no social life I use to try and meet new people try and form relationships and friendships but it always seemed as if there was some barrier there preventing me from properly clicking with over people.
Like my past employment I worked really hard was painfully polite towards people like I am all the time even to people who don't deserve it and I got finished off due to decling work volumes. But even being so polite to people it didn't make me any firiends just made me look a bit soft and a bit of a push over.
But now it doesn't interest me human contact going through the motions trying to get to know and impress people I gave it my all and got nowhere now my desire for that has nearly gone completely. Even getting a girlfriend doesn't interest me now even though I've not completely bypassed my emotions I try to numb them as much as I can. I don't want to feel emotions if there's not forefillment for them.