Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockchick26  Some people have suggested simply being firm and blunt with them, saying you are an adult and you can make your own choices and live with the results. I'm not sure about other parents, but upon hearing that, my dad gets even more judgemental and angry. |
Rockchick, my parents are just like yours! Telling them how they should be never worked for me either, it actually makes it worse for me too! But I can understand why this happens, because
I'm this way myself. When some one tells me how
I should be, I always be the opposite. I'm stubborn that way, guess where I learned it from?
What works with mine is adjusting my view and how I see them. See them as flawed individuals (just like me!) and accept them for it. Attribute to their misguided judgments & criticisms to love - not to evil.
For example: I have been on my own for over 11 years now. They have not supported me what so ever. So I was talking to my dad about cooking a certain dish - a dish I have cooked before, many times. Then he starts to lecture me about the proper way of cooking it, how I'm doing it WRONG, and how I should do it his way because it's better. But you know what? All those thoughts, they come from me!
So I can think... wow, does he think I'm stupid and incompetent that I can't cook this dish? I mean, I've cooked it a dozen times before! I've been on my own! Where does he get off telling me what to do when I'm totally on my own out of his household for years? Does he think I've been starving or eating out in restaurants these past 11 years?!?
Or... I could think... he loves me. He knows I'm independent and capable. He's my father, and he still wants to feel like I need him. That he is an important part of my life. Fathers give advice. They care for us, when they see us as independent competent adults, they are happy, but they lose that child they nurtured for so long. And they miss and long for that nurturing again. He loves me, wants me to have something he enjoys (the food) his way, because he enjoys it. It's not that he thinks I'm wrong, it's because he really likes it this way, and he wants to share that with me.
So, when I have the 2nd perspective, it helps my response to him. So I say, Dad, thanks for the advice on cooking it your style. I remember enjoying it your style growing up, and have grown to love (whatever ingredient in that dish) because of your influence. But to tell you the truth, I eat it a different style now, I've found my own style. And that's great because I've created something new and enjoyable for me from the foundation of what you taught me. And I just let him go on and on about the dish and how it's prepared... and generously listen to him.
When I do that, it validates that his preferences are just as good as mine. That I've discovered a new twist that's suited just for me from his foundation of the dish - and that's because he taught me to be creative. So I've onece again affirmed and validated his role as my father.
My relationships with my parents have much improved over the past few years since I've decided to adjust my perspective. And the more I validate them... the more I generously give them what I seek... the more I adjust my view... the more I actually enjoy talking to them. And what's funny is... their view of me has changed too - or actually, my opinion of their view of me.
Either way, it generates a very pleasant way to relate with them. I'm receiving their information differently, which changes me... and it does change them too.
I hope that helps!