What is worse, porn or a fantasy in his mind?
Both are exactly the same. Using an image for sexual stimulation.
As was pointed out above, masturbation is usually used as a release of energy.
I have had partners who enjoyed (and often encouraged) watching porn together, and a few who even enjoyed -making- it together and watching it later.
If you are uncomfortable with him watching other women in porn then make some with you and him together for him to watch.
You don't have to be objectified in it either. There is nothing wrong with a man or a woman enjoying their sexuality and enjoying the experience.
Also as mentioned above about the rape fantasy, I have long believed that the rape fantasy was a direct result of the social sexual repression of women in western society.
In my experience women want to be sexy, want to be sexual, want to enjoy the sex at least as much as the man does, but do feel objectified, or slutty if they act like that. When they imagine being raped, it isn't their choice to have the sex, so they aren't to blame and so don't have to feel guilty and dirty for having sex. It relieves them of the perceived responsibility.
I know lots of guys who also have their own version of the rape fantasy with a dominating woman, because their values (i.e. men just want sex, but women don't. Which makes men bad, bad people!) make them feel like they are always forcing or convincing their partners to unwillingly have sex with them. They want a woman to take control to relieve them of the burden of guilt for having sex.
I went through this myself, when I first became sexually active, because of my upbringing and I ended up getting dumped by girls because -I- wasn't putting out. (to put it crudely) It took me a couple of years to sort out that belief and open my sexuality up.
I think it's a pretty sad state when we are so entrenched in our guilt about sex that we want other people to force us to do it so we can enjoy it without guilt.
Back onto porn. I can only speak from my own experience on this. I tend to only use porn in two circumstances,
1. My partner and I are sexually incompatible for some reason. In almost every instance it has been because she had lots of guilt hang ups (see above) so sex became more like a chore than a pleasurable experience.
2. I have no current partner, and I have no other strong purpose in my life. As was pointed out, Napoleon Hill talks about the transmutation of sexual energy, and he is spot on. When I have a driving purpose going, I pretty much forget sex even exists. When I have no purpose it's a struggle not to think about it all the time, as there is nothing else to fil my mind.
If you are so made so strongly uncomfortable by porn, and the apparent objectification of women. I am guessing, (without knowing any better) you may possibly have some hangups about actual real sex too.
Do you feel guilty if you want it? Do you make your boyfriend jump through hoops to get it? Do you make him feel like he is the one who wants it and you have to suffer through it for him? Do you want it, or do you actually suffer through it?
I have had different girls put me through these, and it drove me straight to porn because it was far more enjoyable a time. But when I am with a girl who is as keen or keener than me, I forget which folder the vids are in... |