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ns123 · 06-01-2009, 04:43 PM

My best advice, move away, far away, and only have pleasant visits.

This is funny, because my family is exactly this way too. I was actually remarking to my husband about this recently. How in my parents house, they were always telling me I was irresponsible, never remembered anything, cannot be relied upon. That even though I was "school smart" I would never make it in the real world because I was so naive.

Well, I got married, moved 1000 miles away, and I've thrived. I've actually thrived and succeeded more than I ever imagined I could - and far beyond their expectations.

I thought about cutting my parents (family) out of my life too - that they do nothing but drag me down and make me feel bad about myself. But you know what? They don't do that! I do it all on my own, they just act as a catalyst, but the feelings of being stupid and inadequate, I did that all on my own.

My relationship has improved greatly with them once I chose to believe that they do it, not because they are bad, or they hate me, but they love me. They are actually hurt themselves, so they think if they bring me down, it makes them feel better - misery loves company. If they tell me they are proud of me, that I did well, they'll feel like they are failures... so it's really their own limiting beliefs. They don't do it because they are evil, they are actually reaching out for what I crave... approval and affirmation. And funnily enough, I don't give it to them - and they never give it to me.

So what I've started doing is hearing the love but not the words. And I'm just proud of me for me. I stop seeking approval from them, and just give them approval where I genuinely do approve - which means, be generous with them, especially when they are not with me. When I'm being generous with them, I'm also being generous with myself. And that makes me feel good... and it comes from me, not from them. Which makes me feel powerful and inspired.

Do they still annoy the hell out of me? Do they still say things once in a while that push my buttons and make me feel bad about myself. Of course they do! But it's less and less... and yes, I do find ways of coping and getting over it. It helps to have good support of my husband - but you could have that in a friend or a sibling, etc. And it gets easier with time.

When I first decided to change my relationship with my parents... it was challenging. After a phone call or a visit... I would be in near tears... how could they say such horrible things?!? But now... almost 2 years later... I laugh it off, it genuinely doesn't bother me... so they do it less. Yeah, I have some days where I'm more successful than others... but I'm having more success days now than when I started.

Hope that helps.

06-01-2009, 04:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
ns123 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 658	My best advice, move away, far away, and only have pleasant visits. This is funny, because my family is exactly this way too. I was actually remarking to my husband about this recently. How in my parents house, they were always telling me I was irresponsible, never remembered anything, cannot be relied upon. That even though I was "school smart" I would never make it in the real world because I was so naive. Well, I got married, moved 1000 miles away, and I've thrived. I've actually thrived and succeeded more than I ever imagined I could - and far beyond their expectations. I thought about cutting my parents (family) out of my life too - that they do nothing but drag me down and make me feel bad about myself. But you know what? They don't do that! I do it all on my own, they just act as a catalyst, but the feelings of being stupid and inadequate, I did that all on my own. My relationship has improved greatly with them once I chose to believe that they do it, not because they are bad, or they hate me, but they love me. They are actually hurt themselves, so they think if they bring me down, it makes them feel better - misery loves company. If they tell me they are proud of me, that I did well, they'll feel like they are failures... so it's really their own limiting beliefs. They don't do it because they are evil, they are actually reaching out for what I crave... approval and affirmation. And funnily enough, I don't give it to them - and they never give it to me. So what I've started doing is hearing the love but not the words. And I'm just proud of me for me. I stop seeking approval from them, and just give them approval where I genuinely do approve - which means, be generous with them, especially when they are not with me. When I'm being generous with them, I'm also being generous with myself. And that makes me feel good... and it comes from me, not from them. Which makes me feel powerful and inspired. Do they still annoy the hell out of me? Do they still say things once in a while that push my buttons and make me feel bad about myself. Of course they do! But it's less and less... and yes, I do find ways of coping and getting over it. It helps to have good support of my husband - but you could have that in a friend or a sibling, etc. And it gets easier with time. When I first decided to change my relationship with my parents... it was challenging. After a phone call or a visit... I would be in near tears... how could they say such horrible things?!? But now... almost 2 years later... I laugh it off, it genuinely doesn't bother me... so they do it less. Yeah, I have some days where I'm more successful than others... but I'm having more success days now than when I started. Hope that helps.