Hi everyone,
I'm new here. The reason I searched out a group, was to tell you all my story and perhaps get some help with the mindset I'm creating now.
Here's my story:
Back in 1974, I was 17 and madly in love with someone who was 24. He was Italian and didn't speak much English. How we "connected", I don't know, but we did.
My first job was at a local drycleaners, and he used to wait until "My Eyes Adored You" came on the radio and then he'd call me at work and hold the phone to the radio for me to hear. He gave me a necklace once, too. I gave it to my mother to save for me and just within the last few years, she lost it or misplaced it or something. We can't find it anywhere.
Well, his older brother didn't like that we were dating and my parents didn't either as I was still in high school and he was already out of school. So, we snuck around when we could, but my parents influence just made it impossible, so we broke up. I heard he went back to Italy, so I just figured it was over and he was gone.
Now, life went on and about a year or so later, I was hanging out with my friends, when a green VW bug stopped at the stop sign and the driver, wearing sunglasses, kept staring at me. I had no idea who it was, but he drove around the block and came around to the stop sign again. This time he lowered his glasses and I realized it was HIM! Before I could even say anything or motion to him, he drove off and that was the last time I ever saw him.
I have been looking for him ever since. 34 years of searching finally brought me to this past month when I found him! I suddenly realized that all these years, I was wishing and hoping and yearning...and I needed to KNOW that I would find him. And sure enough, within 2 months of changing my feelings/attitudes, I found him.
I wasn't sure if it was him, but I found a reference on the Internet about a restaurant in another state that had his name listed as the owner. I called the number and left a message for him to return my call. He called and it was him! We now had the opportunity to talk about everything we couldn't before. We reminisced about everything. He told me things I never knew, like how he kept tabs on me for a year and a half after we had split up. He told me once I had this horrible haircut and how he hated how I started to dress and how he hated my father for divorcing my mother at that time, as he saw me go a little wild. (which he was right...I did.)
I reminded him of the times he used to call me at work and play a song on the radio for me, and he started singing "My Eyes Adored You" on the phone! After all these years he still remembered. And he said he always thought of me when he heard it. Me too. (I have it on my iPod!)
After 3 weeks of phone calls 6 or 7 times a day, he told me that he had to see me. He flew here for 3 days back at the end of April and we had such a wonderful time together. We drove around town and pointed out places where we used to meet, he kissed me beneath the tree where we almost "did it", he fed me while dining out...it felt like a dream come true to me!
Then, he went back and I feel like a piano fell on me. The phone calls have not been so frequent (once a day now), the amazing sparks seem to have diminished...and I'm a mess. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, and sometimes I succeed, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm down in the dumps about it. I want to get back together with him. I'm picking up vibes, though, that he doesn't. But he's the one who calls ME...so then again, I'm thinking that if he's calling, then he cares, right?
I'm about to get a divorce after 15 years of marriage. No, it's not cuz of HIM...this has been coming for a long, long time and it's a good thing on my end of things. This just happened at the right time. HE even gave me the money for the divorce. He said he wants me to have what I want. He also said that he doesn't want anyone to think that it was because of HIM that I'm even getting the divorce. I assured him he had nothing to do with it. It was coming long before I ever found him.
On HIS end of things: he's still married, unhappy and separated for the last 17 years.
So...I realize I should be wanting my ideal mate...but I'm constantly thinking it's HIM I want. I know I will never lose contact with him ever again...even if we end up just friends...but I can't get the thoughts out of my head that I want HIM and when I'm not forcing myself to think positive, I'm sad that it might not happen.
He can't leave where he is right now, and I can't either. I have a 14 year old son that I won't take out of school, as I feel he needs stability and consistency with friends and his roots. So, he won't even be 18 for another 4 years.
Where oh where do I go with this? Like I said, most of the time, I'm sad inside and I hate that. I'm normally a very outgoing happy-go-lucky kind of person. Oh, I'm still that when I'm at work and around people, but when I get myself alone...the sadness reappears.
I want this so much to happen. Can it? Should it? Should I continue to think positive or am I just kidding myself? Is there a point where I should just concentrate on something else? Am I sabotaging it happening because I'm thinking sad and negative?
I must be thinking like a nutball. I KNOW I have to think of my ideal mate, whoever it turns out to be, and to NOT dwell on a person, but a thought...an idea. I know what to do, really I do, but I'm NOT DOING IT!
HELP!
Thanks for reading this.
Magenta