Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post

Johanna · 05-31-2009, 07:30 AM

Hi, there. This is my first post besides my previous introduction post.

Okay, I know that there are no problems except that those which exist in the mind, but BOY, do I have a lot of those, lol.

I need to meditate.

Anyways, I'll break them down into categories, though they're all related, really...

1. Going to Grad School

I got three scholarships totaling in $21,000 to attend an art school (it is about $30,000 to attend per year, for two years). I wanted to go in 2007 which I first applied (I got two scholarships that time, totaling 18,000; tuition amount was the same), but I changed my decision at the last minute because I didn't want to take out loans, or to make it more specific... I allowed my self to be convinced by my mother that I shouldn't take out loans. So, I stayed at home for two-ish years, still working on my art, and getting random commissions in the process. Little money, but it was better than "being in debt", right?

I applied again because I REALLY just wanted to gtfo of my current situation. I'm 24 for Chrissakes, and I don't want to depend on my parents anymore, but I also don't want a menial job "just to live", if you know what I mean. I only have one life to live and I want to live it right. Not to mention, since being here, I've felt like I'm going OCD with a lot of things (not good).) Which brings me to my next problem...

2) The Economy

I got a full undergrad scholarship for four years, so I didn't have to pay off loans. That is probably the only reason I'm allowed to go to Grad School right now. BUT... recently I've discovered about the banks and what they (well some of them) really do or have done, to cause this recent financial calamity across the United States-- by borrowing and overspending (on wars, stuff we don't need, etc.). SO, I am just wondering on the financial and moral implications about what I'm about to do: would I just be setting a bad example about how to get money? Also, I don't want my whole life's purpose to just be 'to get money.' That's kind of shallow. But I do feel like I need to move on with the rest of my life and get this over with. I DO want to go, but I'm wondering if I NEED to go. Even if I don't worry about the money, I need to consider if it'd be worth my time, now that I've gotten better in my art... which brings me to my next question...

3) My Current Job

I'm a photographer who takes photos of families/kids at a science exhibit. It's just rather repetitive and boring at times (okay, well, all the time). The good thing about this job is that it is only temporary, lol. I know I shouldn't be complaining because at least I *have* a regular job (besides art commissions), but I feel even poorer than I did when I *didn't* have a job... if that makes any sense.

If I don't want to take loans for Grad School, then I will need to be more dedicated in finding my ideal art job, which is in publishing. I can still do it now, but since this current job is only temporary anyway, and the Grad School decision is looming over me this summer, it feels like I need to make a decision right away. After all, I'm still living in my parents' house, regardless, and I do not see this changing until I'm comfortable enough, financially, to live on my own. My older sister moved out, but she still depends on my parents for things. I want to be completely independent. This brings me to my last question/problem...

4) My Family

I love them of course, but they drive me crazy sometimes (like any family, right?). My biggest problem is just depending on them too much. I feel like a spoiled child, but I don't feel like I'll grow out of this until I am really happy, doing what I want to do in life. Since taking the above current job (since this February), I feel like I've gained weight (this is a big indicator of my happiness level, as I *rarely* ever gain weight). I want to be able to take care of myself, but I also don't want to waste my time being depressed or being in a job I *know* I dislike-- it'll only make me depend on my parents even more; because I am not happy. Plus, my little sister is about to have a baby, and she is going to have to live at home. I am NOT looking forward to being here when that happens. (No offense, sis.)

Note that none of this happened before I got the decision to first go to Grad School in 2007. I want to make my own decisions, but... I'm not sure which is the right decision to make...

If I can get my ideal job in publishing, that would be great, but it feels like the only person who actually believes in that happening is myself and my grandfather... he wants me to go to Grad School first, however. (He is a very educated man, himself; he was a Chemistry teacher, and then a principal, but wanted to be a doctor.) Of course, I want to go too, but... I just want to make sure I'm not just going because I want to have the 'title' of having a 'Masters', or because I want to 'escape' from my family. I REALLY want to make sure it's not the second one. They may drive me crazy, but if I move out because of this, I feel like I'll never want to contact them again, at least for a long while.

If I don't go to Grad School, then I'll most likely have to get a menial job somewhere else, if I don't get my ideal job... which is what I really want to do, but... would it be better for me to go now, or to wait till I'm really ready? lol... this is the kind of post where it feels like I've already answered my own question just by talking it out, but... I'd like to know what you really think too.

Oh, one more thing... I've recently discovered that my parents are having trouble paying their mortgage, and may have to get a loan-modification service... With my sister's baby on the way, I'm wondering if this is really the right time for me to be stretching my finances so much, and that I should be working on making the best capital out of myself and my art, professionally. I don't want to do art because I want to 'make a lot of money.' It just makes me happy doing it; and I know that success naturally follows you in whatever you do because of happiness and appreciation.

My mother wanted me to get a job, any job, because she is worried about if something would have happened to her, then I would be screwed, which is true. But even still having this one, if feels like I'm sacrificing my time, my life, and my happiness. I don't like getting money in this way; it is less satisfying... Her, worrying, is caused out of fear, right?... I feel like if I continue going down this road and not following my own dreams, fully, that it'll just become a self-fulfilling prophecy in itself...

My dad says that I could quit if I wanted to, but that he thinks I'd miss the money. I'm not so sure. But I would miss being able to leave the house once in a while. Again, escaping...
He isn't worried so much about the *money* for going to Grad School, but about if I'm wasting my time... since the only job I would *need* an MFA for is to be a professor, and I don't want to become one...(not right now, anyways). I think he believes in me too...

I am reminded day by day that this life is only temporary and that I'd better live it out the best I can before it is too late... my eyes are already starting to stress out on me. I want to follow my dreams before I end up blind (or worse), for goodness' sake. I know that whatever you think about, expands, and that I should concentrate more on getting a *new* job, than thinking about quitting my current one... though I REALLY don't want to go back to being depressed, at home, playing video games just to make myself have an ounce of self confidence.

Plus, I am a real Ron Pauler, and I believe in sound economic policies, living within your means, and not spending what you don't have... If I never got the scholarship to go to undergrad, I probably wouldn't have gone there, not take out loans to get there. My family annoys me, but my first priority is making sure they'll live for another day, and doing the best I can to love them. Just trying to decide what I'd do if I was full of love, and completely absent of fear...

Anyways...

EDIT: Upon reading this, I've realized just how OCD I've been, lol. (Not good, again). I am the one wasting my own time by over-thinking this. But you can still give your opinions if you want to. I feel like I'm whining when my situation could be much worse.

05-31-2009, 07:30 AM	#1 (permalink)
Johanna Junior Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 9	There is too much going on in my head Hi, there. This is my first post besides my previous introduction post. Okay, I know that there are no problems except that those which exist in the mind, but BOY, do I have a lot of those, lol. I need to meditate. Anyways, I'll break them down into categories, though they're all related, really... 1. Going to Grad School I got three scholarships totaling in $21,000 to attend an art school (it is about $30,000 to attend per year, for two years). I wanted to go in 2007 which I first applied (I got two scholarships that time, totaling 18,000; tuition amount was the same), but I changed my decision at the last minute because I didn't want to take out loans, or to make it more specific... I allowed my self to be convinced by my mother that I shouldn't take out loans. So, I stayed at home for two-ish years, still working on my art, and getting random commissions in the process. Little money, but it was better than "being in debt", right? I applied again because I REALLY just wanted to gtfo of my current situation. I'm 24 for Chrissakes, and I don't want to depend on my parents anymore, but I also don't want a menial job "just to live", if you know what I mean. I only have one life to live and I want to live it right. Not to mention, since being here, I've felt like I'm going OCD with a lot of things (not good).) Which brings me to my next problem... 2) The Economy I got a full undergrad scholarship for four years, so I didn't have to pay off loans. That is probably the only reason I'm allowed to go to Grad School right now. BUT... recently I've discovered about the banks and what they (well some of them) really do or have done, to cause this recent financial calamity across the United States-- by borrowing and overspending (on wars, stuff we don't need, etc.). SO, I am just wondering on the financial and moral implications about what I'm about to do: would I just be setting a bad example about how to get money? Also, I don't want my whole life's purpose to just be 'to get money.' That's kind of shallow. But I do feel like I need to move on with the rest of my life and get this over with. I DO want to go, but I'm wondering if I NEED to go. Even if I don't worry about the money, I need to consider if it'd be worth my time, now that I've gotten better in my art... which brings me to my next question... 3) My Current Job I'm a photographer who takes photos of families/kids at a science exhibit. It's just rather repetitive and boring at times (okay, well, all the time). The good thing about this job is that it is only temporary, lol. I know I shouldn't be complaining because at least I have a regular job (besides art commissions), but I feel even poorer than I did when I didn't have a job... if that makes any sense. If I don't want to take loans for Grad School, then I will need to be more dedicated in finding my ideal art job, which is in publishing. I can still do it now, but since this current job is only temporary anyway, and the Grad School decision is looming over me this summer, it feels like I need to make a decision right away. After all, I'm still living in my parents' house, regardless, and I do not see this changing until I'm comfortable enough, financially, to live on my own. My older sister moved out, but she still depends on my parents for things. I want to be completely independent. This brings me to my last question/problem... 4) My Family I love them of course, but they drive me crazy sometimes (like any family, right?). My biggest problem is just depending on them too much. I feel like a spoiled child, but I don't feel like I'll grow out of this until I am really happy, doing what I want to do in life. Since taking the above current job (since this February), I feel like I've gained weight (this is a big indicator of my happiness level, as I rarely ever gain weight). I want to be able to take care of myself, but I also don't want to waste my time being depressed or being in a job I know I dislike-- it'll only make me depend on my parents even more; because I am not happy. Plus, my little sister is about to have a baby, and she is going to have to live at home. I am NOT looking forward to being here when that happens. (No offense, sis.) Note that none of this happened before I got the decision to first go to Grad School in 2007. I want to make my own decisions, but... I'm not sure which is the right decision to make... If I can get my ideal job in publishing, that would be great, but it feels like the only person who actually believes in that happening is myself and my grandfather... he wants me to go to Grad School first, however. (He is a very educated man, himself; he was a Chemistry teacher, and then a principal, but wanted to be a doctor.) Of course, I want to go too, but... I just want to make sure I'm not just going because I want to have the 'title' of having a 'Masters', or because I want to 'escape' from my family. I REALLY want to make sure it's not the second one. They may drive me crazy, but if I move out because of this, I feel like I'll never want to contact them again, at least for a long while. If I don't go to Grad School, then I'll most likely have to get a menial job somewhere else, if I don't get my ideal job... which is what I really want to do, but... would it be better for me to go now, or to wait till I'm really ready? lol... this is the kind of post where it feels like I've already answered my own question just by talking it out, but... I'd like to know what you really think too. Oh, one more thing... I've recently discovered that my parents are having trouble paying their mortgage, and may have to get a loan-modification service... With my sister's baby on the way, I'm wondering if this is really the right time for me to be stretching my finances so much, and that I should be working on making the best capital out of myself and my art, professionally. I don't want to do art because I want to 'make a lot of money.' It just makes me happy doing it; and I know that success naturally follows you in whatever you do because of happiness and appreciation. My mother wanted me to get a job, any job, because she is worried about if something would have happened to her, then I would be screwed, which is true. But even still having this one, if feels like I'm sacrificing my time, my life, and my happiness. I don't like getting money in this way; it is less satisfying... Her, worrying, is caused out of fear, right?... I feel like if I continue going down this road and not following my own dreams, fully, that it'll just become a self-fulfilling prophecy in itself... My dad says that I could quit if I wanted to, but that he thinks I'd miss the money. I'm not so sure. But I would miss being able to leave the house once in a while. Again, escaping... He isn't worried so much about the money for going to Grad School, but about if I'm wasting my time... since the only job I would need an MFA for is to be a professor, and I don't want to become one...(not right now, anyways). I think he believes in me too... I am reminded day by day that this life is only temporary and that I'd better live it out the best I can before it is too late... my eyes are already starting to stress out on me. I want to follow my dreams before I end up blind (or worse), for goodness' sake. I know that whatever you think about, expands, and that I should concentrate more on getting a new job, than thinking about quitting my current one... though I REALLY don't want to go back to being depressed, at home, playing video games just to make myself have an ounce of self confidence. Plus, I am a real Ron Pauler, and I believe in sound economic policies, living within your means, and not spending what you don't have... If I never got the scholarship to go to undergrad, I probably wouldn't have gone there, not take out loans to get there. My family annoys me, but my first priority is making sure they'll live for another day, and doing the best I can to love them. Just trying to decide what I'd do if I was full of love, and completely absent of fear... Anyways... EDIT: Upon reading this, I've realized just how OCD I've been, lol. (Not good, again). I am the one wasting my own time by over-thinking this. But you can still give your opinions if you want to. I feel like I'm whining when my situation could be much worse. Last edited by Johanna; 05-31-2009 at 08:53 AM.