[wolfgang]

So now I've gotten stressed to a threshold that makes me want to write
about it here as my friends are tired of my story of my older/ex/now-gf/rebound. So it's all about my gf, who is someone I broke up with then came back to, as a rebound. I haven't been strong enough to completly admit I want to break up, insecure about being alone or fear the hurt she and I will have with a real break up.

It's probably been about a year that I've been feeling wanting to not
be with her and instead there's things happening in her life that I
feel moving on would be more junk for her to deal with. Like her son
getting married and then going off to Iraq, or recently her mother was
dying and then did die (that was first week in Jan) and then she's
retiring this year, working 'till May and some other things she likes
to have as drama.


So her boat is already rockin all over the place and I try to not rock
it more but then I do. We do lots of stuff together and I have an
agreed night out with the guys. But last week I over did it and sort
of passed out at my friend's house. Of coarse it bothered her and she
was all worried - I said "I can't call if I'm unconscious". So a blip
that I fixed with buying her dinner. Then this week I messed up again
by going over to a friend's house when it wasn't the agreed night out
and I forgot to call before it was so late she was all freaked out
again (I do understand her reaction). Piece of work, me, ha? Kind of
embarassing, shameful.


So then she and I talk and I try to say there's parts of me that aren't
with you and at times I'm off in my own world and "forget" to call or
something. Appologizing, etc... But also just angry about bothering
her. She goes on to say she loves my perspective so much that she can
tolerate some mess ups like this. But I'm not sure what's so special
about my perspective, although she's trying to appriceite me - I get
that.

Then she directly asks me to tell her that I appricieate her in
some way. Which I guess is true or I wouldn't have gotten back with
her or be hanging on so much now - there's some value in being around
her. I come up with some things but it feels forced when put on the
spot - or that her need over extends my natural appriceiations or I'm
just one that holds back on that since I'm not thinking I'm with her
totally.


So why write this here? She wants to talk more and I'm just trying to
sort it out some. What are my motives or what do I really want or feel or why is does this interaction happen? Is it just because I can't seem to really
leave her and she keeps putting up with my junk such that I get away
with being an idiot? And how much support does she need after her
mother's death? Or am I even able to support her? Should I stick around because of that and try to act more mature?

It does seem like I'm trying to "be good" more than "be honest". I've thought maybe I need to have a counsoler, but I'm broke that paying someone seems like an expense.


Thanks for reading, at least, even if no thoughts come to mind for me
that you think you could share with me.