[norbert]

This post is quite unusual because I used to give advice in these forums instead of asking for help. I used to be very conscious and proactive but now I am the opposite. Unfortunately a tragedy completely changed everything last weekend.

I have lost my mom when I was 9 and my grandma when I was 18. I am 23 now and live without a family. We become friends with my very best friend when I was 15 and he became my new family. I always wanted to have a brother and he was so much like me. 7.5 years went by since we met. He passed away on Saturday in a tragical car accident. He didn't drive the car. There was no reason for him to die. We did everything together in the past years. We planned to spend our next 40 years together (live the next door, travel the world, make music, build businesses, learn, have fun, grow spiritually etc). We've been doing most of these things already and spent 70% of our days with each other.

What's more, we always knew nobody understands us as much as we do (he told me that every single week). He appreciated me being is his life, I was his role model and he was mine. It was such an amazing relationship, something I could never dream of.

Now that he died I just don't know what to do with my life.

I feel that without him on my side (who was always looking up to/following and on the other hand teaching me) I just don't want to live anymore. I don't want those successes. Whatever I do reminds me of him. Why become financially free to have freedom? Who cares about freedom anymore? What to do with my freedom? Why play music to thousands of people alone on stage (we were upcoming djs also)? The only thing that holds me back from suicide is fear. Fear, that if I commit such a thing, I may loose the ability to meet him again when I die (even though I am not religious).

The thing is that I think I do have lots of knowledge in the personal development area, I have read all articles by Steve from the very beginning, I am quite advanced spiritually (Deepak Chopra, etc) but still, I just don't care now.

I do know that I am operating now at the lowest consciousness levels and I should move slowly up to at least courage to live my life constructively. However, I don't even have any desires at this point of my life.

Maybe the most empowering thought that came to my mind is to start focusing on other peoples problems. That lead me to realize that I am afraid nobody needs me now. That's not true of course but in the sense we needed each other, nobody does and probably nobody ever will.

I don't have any idea what kind of help am I looking for, I just wanted to post these thoughts, maybe somebody has something to say to me.

Also, for details, if you are interested, see my blog on the link below.