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Indiana · 05-23-2009, 03:56 AM

My friend A’s birthday dinner is coming up. It’s going to be a fairly small event, about eight people. One of those people is my former boss, C.

I cannot stand C. After headhunting me for a job, she then made that job almost unbearable. She was catty, snarky, manipulative and paranoid. Although I loved the work and the team, which included A, I eventually could not stand her anymore, and left. I have no real understanding why C turned on me (some have suggested professional jealousy) but her bad treatment of me was acknowledged and puzzled over by my workmates. I should have left much earlier but it took me a while to wise up.

However, A remains friends with C and still works with her. Their friendship has its ups and downs but that’s their own dynamic and I try not to judge it, or at least not voice my judgments to A.

Much as I’d like to go to A’s birthday dinner, I know I won’t enjoy it if C is there. C always wants to be the centre of attention, and almost everything that comes out of her mouth is self-aggrandising or mean. To me, she is totally toxic and I prefer not to be around her.

So what do I do here? Do I go for A's sake and make polite chit-chat with someone I really dislike? (This seems inauthentic.) Do I tell A that I would love to come but won't because I find C unbearable to be around? (This is honest, but I don’t want to make A feel as though she has to pick a friend.) Do I lie and say I already have plans for the evening? Or is there another option that I can’t see?

05-23-2009, 03:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
Indiana Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,902	Social dilemma My friend A’s birthday dinner is coming up. It’s going to be a fairly small event, about eight people. One of those people is my former boss, C. I cannot stand C. After headhunting me for a job, she then made that job almost unbearable. She was catty, snarky, manipulative and paranoid. Although I loved the work and the team, which included A, I eventually could not stand her anymore, and left. I have no real understanding why C turned on me (some have suggested professional jealousy) but her bad treatment of me was acknowledged and puzzled over by my workmates. I should have left much earlier but it took me a while to wise up. However, A remains friends with C and still works with her. Their friendship has its ups and downs but that’s their own dynamic and I try not to judge it, or at least not voice my judgments to A. Much as I’d like to go to A’s birthday dinner, I know I won’t enjoy it if C is there. C always wants to be the centre of attention, and almost everything that comes out of her mouth is self-aggrandising or mean. To me, she is totally toxic and I prefer not to be around her. So what do I do here? Do I go for A's sake and make polite chit-chat with someone I really dislike? (This seems inauthentic.) Do I tell A that I would love to come but won't because I find C unbearable to be around? (This is honest, but I don’t want to make A feel as though she has to pick a friend.) Do I lie and say I already have plans for the evening? Or is there another option that I can’t see?