[BlackWigger]

Damn... the latest happening has made me even more depressed than earlier.
The funny thing is it's nothing related to the meaning of life. It's basically a teenage problem :/

By that I mean... well, I had my prom the other day. Even while drunk I wasn't really doing well, didn't dance at all, didn't socialize as much as I thought I would while drunk... and the biggest problem, I got very depressed about the way my cousin spends her time. There I was, standing at the prom and watching all these people have fun, while I barely had any desire to come and join them. I'm unsure whether this is due to me being insecure or just so introverted. At the same time, my cousin is pretty outgoing and extroverted, and I think I felt some kind of unbearable jealousy as to how she spends her time the same way these people (and most people) do. Especially seeing some of my classmates have loads of fun dancing with their dates.

I mean, I could have been doing all of that with her if I was brave enough to invite her again (I did it before and she said yes, but then I said I was kidding and already had a date...which was a lie). I was imagining her having all that fun with me and not someone else.

It's also weird how the realization I had that night would mean that we aren't really compatible, but I still wanted her. And I don't mean just physically... I think I love her in a way. Not the most serious way since we weren't in a relationship, but I harbor some pretty strong feelings for her.

Sigh, it's quite depressing. It feels as if I'm going backwards and not improving myself at all. I knew that being socially accepted or not didn't really matter (at least rationally I knew this), but my need to be more interesting in the eyes of my cousin has pulled me back and here I was, being so depressed over not being an outgoing and interesting person. Back to square 1 - it's how my depression started 4 years ago or so.

When I got home, I cried so much. I thought I was done for... the only thing which had some sort of meaning in my life was almost gone - the ability to pursue a relationship with her.

Even if I eliminated my cousin out of the picture, it seems the want to be accepted still draws me in. I was drunk and still felt some kind of regret for not being better with some dudes from my class - the ones I didn't talk to much at all during all these years, but whom I still considered decent people.

I've also thought about how living a life without the ego seems pretty unbearable... but this post is long enough already, and prolly boring to most people. Thanks to anyone who reads it and tries to understand me.