I didn't read all of this, but I can tell one thing from what I have read: you do want a solution. At first I expected this post to be a troll post, but it really looks like you're serious about desiring something different for yourself, be that through suicide or through life changes.
Let me first say: you are allowed to feel suicidal and express it and that's what you've been doing. It's not a "stupid" feeling; it's a valid feeling we experience when we see no other way out. It doesn't mean we should act on it though. Valid and healthy are not mutually exclusive. Feeling suicidal is a sign something needs to change.
You're not a coward for not acting on it either. It just means you haven't actually given up--if you had, you wouldn't be posting here. You would be dead.
Don't let yourself get to that point.
The way you talk reminds me of a friend of mine who has been struggling with a lot of the same issues.
See, humans are sometimes
too intelligent. Combine our intelligence with an instinctual drive to look for trouble before it hits and the fact we learn by punishment and rewards, and there's a recipe for a lot of realizations about the world that don't do us much good.
If you realize nothing else in your life, realize:
YOU are SOLELY responsible for what meaning your life has and the happiness you acquire through that meaning. NO ONE will ever be able to help you unless you help yourself.
The universe will remain pointless. Emotions will remain nothing but chemical responses to stimuli. Your existence will be that of a highly-complex organic robot programmed by your past experiences and biological reactions.
Your consciousness will mean nothing. The things around you will be nothing but molecules bound by physical forces. Even the death you think you desire will be meaningless, because the death of a meaningless existence composed of nuclear particles and forces is really just cutting some neural connections that cause what we call consciousness and keep the robotic system functioning.
Humans are brilliant creatures in that they have the ability to give meaning to things that have no meaning at all. They express that through their life views, their creations, and their interactions. They also have the ability to shift their perspective of the world, either at will or with persistence.
You don't have to be spiritual to give meaning to your existence or the existence of the things around you. I'm certainly not. It's just a matter of accepting nature has created us with intelligence and consciousness, meaningless or not. We have it. We're limited beings (although some would argue that to be untrue); accept that and it'll go a long way toward accepting yourself.
It sounds like your social anxiety and concern for others' opinions is a big part of your problem. I've been struggling with this since I was a kid, so I get it (I've also dealt with being suicidal and feeling like life is pointless and all of that).
You said at one point that essentially dealing with your self-esteem is less important than dealing with your fear of others' opinions.
They're the same thing. If you learn to accept yourself, ego and flaws and limits of your humanity and all; you won't have to fear the opinion of other people. The more self-esteem you build, the less anxiety you will feel. Other humans won't trigger the feeling of fear, because you won't have weaknesses in your self-esteem for them to exploit.
Instead of fearing their opinions, you'll learn to value them--to respect the person for them (even when you disagree; this has to do with establishing healthy boundaries) and to look for ways to improve yourself.
It takes the win-lose factor out of interacting with other people and turns it into experiences of growth and affirmation. However, that--like I'll repeat over and over--takes time. We're human. We NEED validation for our emotions as we learn to stand on our personal foundation instead of others. That's where places like this forum come in.
I'm sure the way I talk it sounds like fluffy bunnies and rainbows and cute, annoying puppies, but it's not all about that. When you start from the bottom of the barrel, you have to drag yourself through the s*** you've piled on top of yourself first.
It's trial-and-error, it's looking critically at yourself, it's challenging your most firmly held believes (like the fact that your ego needs to be gotten rid or the belief that death is the only way to deal with this).
Now on the note of your ego--ego is not an inherently bad thing. It doesn't need to be disposed of. Instead, we have to work with it--find out how we want to live, who we want to be, and not let the negative side of the ego get in the way of that vision.
You want to be recognized--good! You
should be recognized for who you are! We all should. That's the healthy part of the ego: the part that wants us to be seen for us, real and alive.
The unhealthy part is the part that says we're inherently better or somehow entitled to greater things than other human beings. We're not. Every human is capable of growth and bettering themselves. Whether they do it or not is another matter.
That also said--it's okay to feel better than someone because of your accomplishments or who you are. It's a natural part of our competitive side. Over time though, we should shed these feelings as our self-esteem grows enough to not need them. It's healthier to feel appreciation for people's potential and the fact that we all try the best we can at any given moment. That takes time though.
Health doesn't reach us in a night; it's a lifelong learning process. One you are entirely responsible for.
The world can give you ideas, but
you have to do the work. As someone already said, if you look to the world for solutions, you'll find nothing. If you look to yourself, your freedom is limitless.
That's the beauty about being human.
I hope you find the will to discover yourself and find a way to be in-line with your true, healthy desires. You deserve a satisfying life the way we all do. You deserve to be happy with who you are and excited with the progress you're making on your inevitable flaws.
Don't give up on this meaningless universe; you have the power to make it into something.
EDIT: Lengthy isn't it? I should blog or something.
