[pianoperformer]

I've posted so many threads like this, so hopefully people don't tire of it, lol.

I'm kind of depressed right now. I've been searching for at least two years to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I just don't know.

I have two major interests, and i find that if I try to cut out either one of them, I become unhappy. Those interests are music and programming. If i cut out music, I feel empty and disconnected. If I cut out programming, I feel like my mind isn't doing enough and I just need a challenge and solve some problems.

The last two years has been a pendulum. I do one, and cut out the other. I do the second thing, and cut out the first. Then I become unhappy and wonder why I ever left the thing I cut out.

It finally got to me last semester, when I got physically sick several times, and then had to take a few weeks out of classes because of it. Then it got to be overwhelming and I had to withdraw. I was panicking because I couldn't take it anymore.

So I withdrew and applied to a university closer to home. The one i was at was too expensive, anyway. It was a struggle every semester to pay down the tuition.

Now I've had a little over a month off, and have returned to the piano. I very fortunately just got a free piano that is in decent condition, so have started practicing again.

And now I feel that familiar longing again, for the piano. I will be majoring in computer science at the place I'm transferring to, which i am looking forward to kind of, but nwo I'm feeling this pulling again for piano.

I guess most people would say just to find a piano teacher, and I have done that. But unfortunately it's not that simple. My piano teacher at school said I am far tooa dvanced just to choose any teacher, or even most teachers. She was an excellent piano teacher; probably the best I have ever had before. She really pushed me further than ever, and I progressed so much in the year that I took lessons from her. She knew and I know that I have a lot more potential, and I'm just afraid of never reaching that.

When I think of it as a matter of practicability, I know that programming is the better choice, and I can do piano on the side. But still I can't get rid of that nagging feeling that I won't be able to fulfill my potential and possibly even be somewhat successful with piano. I know I have a lot further to go, but I don't know how to get there. I need someone to help me with interpretation and technique. The teacher I have now at home teaches dozens of other students, usually school-age, who really don't take it very seriously. She's a great person but just can't take me where I need to go.

I would be happy if I could somehow have the best of both worlds. But I don't know how I can, and i'm afraid of just letting one of them go to waste. I'm very advanced at the piano, and I feel decently advanced at programming as well. Both come very naturally to me, and I love both.

I don't know who to talk to about it, which is why I'm posting here. I don't want my mom to think I'm changing my mind again, and anyway she's not very good at giving advice.

Two years ago almost exactly, I was making a similar decision: whether I should go into music or computer science. The fact that I'm still dealing with this today really irks me.

If you look at my history of study, you can see the pendulum go back and forth. Computer science, music, physics, music, and now probably back into computer science. It's obvious that I can't just study one side of this and let the other go. So what do I do?

To make things worse, this university I'm transferring to really doesn't have a good music department. They say that those studying music would have to move to the main campus to complete it. I guess that might not be too bad, but the main campus is rather large, larger than the first university I attended.

Anyway, sorry that this is so long. I just need to vent, and hopefully get some advice.