[Roni]

Leroy, I am so sorry about your loss.

At a young age, it is hard to understand how you can lose a parent when they are not yet "old".

My father passed when I was 27, he was 45. I went through pretty much what you are. Even the panic attacks and sleepless nights. My father passed in his sleep, so I was afraid to go to sleep. I too was afraid to go to counseling for fear of looking like there was something wrong with me. But I had to admit that I just couldn't handle this alone. I learned at counseling that there was nothing "wrong" with me. This was quite normal. What wasn't normal was how I was dealing with it. I wanted to look strong and like I was doing just fine. I never allowed myself to grieve. Counseling helped me to finally do that. Then I got to write down what I enjoyed about life with my father.

It did take me a while, but I am fine now. It has been 9 years and I have since lost many others. I lost my grandmother just days ago. It seemed so different because now I understand that this is just a part of life. Some of my people see this as a graduation to a different part of life. I love my family and know that they loved me. I also know that this was their time. They lived their life to the fullest. Even at 45 my father did alot in his life. He had 4 grown children and at the time had 4 grandchildren. For some reason he always said he wasn't going to live to be old. So he did whatever he could to make his life happy...which was to take care of his family. I think the best thing you can do to honor these people that we lose in our lives is to also live our lives to the fullest. I don't think they would want us to waste any of our time grieving for them.

Celebrate the life that they had...then celebrate the life we have before us. For some day it will be our time. And what things do you want to say that you experienced in your life?

I wish you the best. The best is yet to come.

Take care.

Roni