Originally Posted by eighteyes
I can't recall feeling anything as emotionally powerful and all-encompassing since, just echoes of that single emotional moment, frozen in time. I've found the place in my life where I am ready to explore what it means to be alive, fully aware and expressed. But it's as though every emotion is filtered through the pain of that original event, it's cold, tight and uncomfortable. Even what you would consider to be joy, love or feeling connected...
I've tried exploring this feeling in every way I know how. I've reached the point where I can generate it by thinking about inspiring things, but as soon as I turn my attention towards the feeling, it vanishes. Just as I trained myself to do, long ago.
So, I'm trying to do work, you know, the real work, not the grind work, and maybe this is what has led me to pursue a very... scattered approach to life, instead of focused with passionate intent, and maybe it's just an excuse to avoid confronting my fears regarding complete destruction of every part of my life. Regardless, I find that finding the passion is easy for me, it's maintaining it, and continuing to build momentum, since it goes away so readily.
So two things I'd like your perspective on,
1) broadening emotional depth and range, and
2) maintaining, exploring and expressing these feelings
Before you think I'm being dramatic, or living a horrible twisted existence, no, it's neither of those (although I might be a *little* dramatic). I'm often happy, it just doesn't register as a feeling besides what I described above.
I look forward to your thoughts, and thanks.
The distress you are experiencing now is a consequence of blocking out certain feelings when you were younger. As Angela correctly points out, the decision you made back then to suppress uncomfortable feelings has resulted in the baggage you drag around with you to this day.
Baggage that dulls your passion, dulls your sense of aliveness, dulls your ability to feel any of the other emotions intensely. The work you have to do now is to start living authentically, that is, to acknowledge, own and feel ALL your feelings. When you live in an integrated fashion with your feelings, then you will feel truly alive, then will feel passion intensely. But as long as there is a denial of your true feelings you will suffer inevitable distress.
Sometimes to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings we make bad choices for ourselves and end up living a life we dont really want. As part of your exploration, maybe you can consider if you've made any decisions like this? If you have, maybe you can consider making new, more empowering choices and in the process facing the uncomfortable feelings you've been avoiding with the knowledge that a new, more meaningful and purposeful existence awaits you.