Originally Posted by BlackWigger
I see... the thing is, the 1st thing is keeping me away from the 3rd and tied to the 2nd. The wish to kill myself is stronger than the almost non existant will to give up the hellish limbo and heal myself. Sounds weird but it's true.
How could you live with it for 20 years though ? I don't wanna experience that :/
Well, two things. The first thing was that it didn't start out this bad. I was suicidally depressed for 20 years, starting from age 20, and I desperately needed someone to love me, and the purpose of my life was to live in a loving marriage, so I basically devoted myself for all
of those 20 years, to finding love with a man. Over the years, I was basically going through changes, a process. My reasons and seriousness about killing myself changed as I had more experiences, as the experiences altered my view of myself and the world around me.
The hellish limbo grew increasingly worse as the results of my attempts to find that love with a man were becoming increasingly more painful. You could say that I was able to live with that limbo for 20 years, because I wasn't aware it was a limbo and my hope wouldn't die. I didn't know the cause for my repetitive failures and I have sometimes thought that God was actively trying to kill me by means of my own hand
In 2006, something worse than I was capable of imagining within the frames of a relationship happened to me and I heard about "intention-manifestation" and looked it up on the Internet and found Steve's article on it and his website too. Once I found this website, when I was in the throws of my worst and longest bout with suicide ever, all kinds of new information, not necessarily exclusively from his blog, but from the forums, eventually led me to an understanding of what had been going on all these years. So it took me 20 years to figure out what was going on. If I hadn't heard about the Law of Attraction 3 years ago on this website, I might never have come to any understanding of what, until then, I could only perceive as some kind of torture mandated by some divine force over my life and I would also likely have killed myself.
I wrote a poem, If
which I feel accurately conveys (as best I can at least) my living death, which I think is a bit worse than the limbo you're currently in. That poem represents my worst moments.
Nowadays, however, I have not only come to an understanding about why my life has gone so wrong, but I think in this past year I have also let go of the most of the worst of the afflictions from my past, and from my "recent," that have perpetuated my suffering for the last 40 years. That means I don't live in the living death state anymore. I have a relapse into depression now and then, but my last one was in February. Also, lots of better people are coming into my life now and making it easier for me to live and not be miserable. I still don't have a job, and that is a little worrying, but everything else is falling into order.
I think that if your limbo gets bad enough, or if you suffer for it enough, like I did, eventually you will do something one way or the other to change it. If you find that you can't do one thing, you'll do the other just to get out of the limbo.