You have three options:
1. You get the courage up to kill yourself.
2. You spend the rest of your life in this hellish limbo.
3. You realize that you don't have what it takes to kill yourself and that, unless you want to stay in your hellish limbo, you have NO CHOICE but to forsake all other endeavors and make your SOLE CAUSE AND PURPOSE in life to HEAL YOURSELF. And the point
to devoting yourself to healing yourself is that you don't want to live all of your life in the hellish limbo you have demonstrated that you are in in this thread
I was in the exact same position that you are now and I had to make this very decision last year. Exactly a year ago, in a foreign land, I had a plan to kill myself and I had made the decision to do so. My plan was ruined when I fell on the sidewalk and broke my foot. Here is my story: My Suicidal Foot | Celestial Aspirations
I had been living increasingly in this hellish limbo for years (and with suicidal depression for 20 years). Like you, I didn't have the courage to kill myself (I always think it's odd when people say suicide is cowardly--they should try holding the key to their own death in the palm of their hand and see how easy it is to take their final breath.) Anyway, last year I had finally both the plan and the preparedness to actually go through with my suicide. However, my broken foot made it impossible for me to carry out my plan, and in the interim, I made a promise to someone and I committed myself to my own healing and recovery--only
for that one person I loved, not for me.
The thing is, you are living in the same hellish limbo, neither dead nor alive, like I was (I called it my living death). There is nothing worse or more painful than the state of that hellish limbo. It is the worst form of torture, if you can't kill yourself, if you have
to keep living, then you have to drop everything else in your life and whip your head and heart into shape just so that you can stop being in the hellish limbo.
Those are your three options and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can make a deliberate choice. Know that the choice you make by default is the hellish limbo, and, as someone who has lived through what your experiencing (and still occasionally has a relapse into it), it's my opinion that the hellish limbo is the worst of all those options.
Having said that, I can say that I am better now than I've ever been in my life, but I still have a ways to go. In fact, it's possible that I would never choose to keep living in this world if I were ever given a choice, but I'm working on a very ambitious goal and it includes good things that are not evanescent or fleeting like the happiness and other things to which you often refer. Not everything is ephemeral. I believe the most beautiful things and experiences are specifically not
ephemeral, and that
is why they are so hard to achieve and so little-known and little-believed-in.