[Plato]

So, I finally reached clarity over this issue and want to share it with everybody here, because I think it could be really helpful to those who aren't sure yet, or aren't sure they understand polarity.

The Evil Years

I was a darkworker for several years, and there is no doubt of that. I was absolutely committed to acquiring power in order to make myself happier. I knew that greater power would make me happier. My worst nightmare was to be powerless; my greatest fantasy to be insurmountably dominant. I knew that I was going to be successful. I worked extremely hard on the things that mattered to me.

I was in the gym every day, doing intense work outs. I spent the rest of my time engrossed in learning to control people. I was never apathetic. I had masses of energy because my fear and pain were sharp and constant, reminding me that I needed more. Each successful step towards greater power brought a wave of pleasure of orgasmic intensity. Every step back fuelled my fear and pain.

I surrounded myself with a group of like minded people re-inforcing my stance. Although we were all "friends" (for practical reasons, more than any true bond, although there was respect there) we practiced manipulation techniques on each other. We were also in competition.

The majority of my time I was in a state of alert action, underscored by the fear and pain.

I had zero sense of morality in the conventional sense. I didn't care about anybody. I didn't believe win-win was truly possible because there is no such thing as equality. I was truly evil in this sense: I wanted to put people into the state that was my worst nightmare - forced submission.

I held the belief that happiness is dominance. To be happy was to perceive oneself as superior. As far as I was concerned, happy people believed they were better than me. That's why they were happy. I didn't consciously think this. I instinctually just knew it to be true. The mindset of fear perceives happiness in this way.

I realised that happiness was to make people submit to my will. Misery was to submit to the will of others. There was no middle ground. I had to make reality and everything in it bend to my will.

The End of Darkworking

My time as a true darkworker ended when I read The Power Of Now, and Steve's blog. I read them because I had been told they were good for "Inner Game".

I experienced the bliss of presence through Tolle's writing and experimented with using Love energy through various Pavlina articles.

The more I used these, the more I became de-polarized. Darkworking depends upon the belief that "I NEED more to be happy. I MUST have more." Love and presence totally undermine that. We can be happy right here, right now so there's no point trying to acquire more. Right?

That realisation was the end of darkworking for me. You lose commitment to acquiring power when you realise happiness requires none.

The Transition to Lightworking

So for two years I've been scuttling around uncertainly, not really knowing what I'm doing. Inconsistently serving myself; always lacking the fire I had before. I missed it, in spite of the pain.

I didn't want to let go of my desire to dominate. I was addicted to it. Also, almost all of my beliefs were aligned with darkworking, as well as my habits.

Gradually, slowly, minutely, my beliefs have shifted. Through exposure to loving people who came into my life, as well as this forum and finally The Work of Byron Katie, I've been able to let go of my addiction to power.

I've moved on.

I'm embracing the mindset of oneness, along with love, peace and joy. I don't need anything personally, but I know that I can improve the lives of others. I feel it with the same certainty that I knew I needed power to be happy as a darkworker.