| | Passion = Pain
Hi All, This one is kind of long, just so you know what you're getting into.
Here's what I turned to the forums for. I'm not looking for answers, I'm looking for perspective.
When I was a kid, like 5 or 6, I remember seeing some diaper commercials with naked babies in it. These impacted me deeply in ways I still can't comprehend fully. I know it had something to do with the corruption of growing up, and being unable to return to a state of purity. It also said something about the power of media, which is probably the reason I pursued it as a career path. Basically, I remember feeling terrible when these would come on, and one day, I simply willed the feelings to stop, and they did.
I can't recall feeling anything as emotionally powerful and all-encompassing since, just echoes of that single emotional moment, frozen in time. I've found the place in my life where I am ready to explore what it means to be alive, fully aware and expressed. But it's as though every emotion is filtered through the pain of that original event, it's cold, tight and uncomfortable. Even what you would consider to be joy, love or feeling connected...
I've tried exploring this feeling in every way I know how. I've reached the point where I can generate it by thinking about inspiring things, but as soon as I turn my attention towards the feeling, it vanishes. Just as I trained myself to do, long ago.
So, I'm trying to do work, you know, the real work, not the grind work, and maybe this is what has led me to pursue a very... scattered approach to life, instead of focused with passionate intent, and maybe it's just an excuse to avoid confronting my fears regarding complete destruction of every part of my life. Regardless, I find that finding the passion is easy for me, it's maintaining it, and continuing to build momentum, since it goes away so readily.
So two things I'd like your perspective on,
1) broadening emotional depth and range, and
2) maintaining, exploring and expressing these feelings
Before you think I'm being dramatic, or living a horrible twisted existence, no, it's neither of those (although I might be a *little* dramatic). I'm often happy, it just doesn't register as a feeling besides what I described above.
I look forward to your thoughts, and thanks.