Thank you Steve...
That one hit like a train.
I'm still in the midst of processing my last relationship. It was a confusing one for us both. Personality wise, we are quite different. I actually laughed when you mentioned how when Erin leaves a kitchen it's like a tornado leaves the room. I used to do that too, open cupboards and drawers everywhere. It became one of our jokes. Actually, I can see many similarities between myself and Erin (great at being empathetic, kind and loving, but needing lots of encouragement to be brave and confident) and you and my ex (very logical, able to set and achieve goals, rolls eyes at "butterflies and kittens").
Right from the start, I had a strong attraction to this man. But I also had a lot to gain from him. No other person has helped me grow as much as he. And he continues to be my most supportive friend. Oh boy... here come the water works just thinking about it.
The falling short seemed to be in what I had to offer him. I have to admit I have problems loving myself, but I always had the sense or feeling that I loved him, and I expressed that love to him whenever I could. I still do. They say you can't love someone else until you love yourself first, so maybe some would say I didn't really love him. But I have always valued his company... I look forward to each chance I have to see him or to talk to him. And even though our relationship ended, I guess I still think the sun shines out his ass, to quote the movie
Juno. He also introduced me to you! How could I not love him for that!
But even though we had a great relationship in many respects, for him, a natural bodily attraction to me just wasn't there. We had long, open talks about it. They were hard for me, but it brought a level of honesty to the relationship that I have never encountered before. I know how much he struggled, how much he wished things were different. But in the end, there was no real option other than for him to stop feeling badly about something that wasn't there. Reading the last part of your blog so much reminded me of what we went through.
And happily, because we shared that level of honesty, we have remained friends, so I do still enjoy the benefits of growing and learning from him. I still have the "that should have worked" feeling a lot of the time. But if I'm truthful, I know that I would prefer to be in a situation where there is a natural attraction on both sides and I didn't feel the pressure to match someone's perception of beauty.
I'm rambling on now! So... once again, thank you. I appreciate any thoughts and words that help me wrap my head around this part of my life.
Much love to you and Erin!