[Want2BHonest]

So, I have been living in opposition to who I really am and what I really want in life.

I have been married before. Long time ago. That's over. I have been single for almost a decade I guess. Anyway, I always knew I'd remarry. Always saw myself as a family girl. Somebody who built a family and a life together with somebody else. Grow old together with someone. Build traditions. Make an impact as a family in our community, etc.

So...here I am...almost a decade later and not remarried. And, I've been wasting time with a man who adores me. Treats me like the only woman in the room. Except for one thing...he is not my husband and doesn't really appear to want that. It irritates the hell out of me mainly because he avoids discussing it. Avoids acknowledging it. Avoids as best he can, any talks about it. I try to express that I have goals and we don't seem to want the same things. And, he says he wants that for me. Anyway, he doesn't want to give it...although he will never verbally admit it. He's admitting it with his actions.

I'm kinda pissed because he and I both know that the only reason we are together is because I am compromising my standards. So he's acting all grateful and I am becoming increasingly bitter. It's very surreal. Years wasted. I have been in denial. It's like some kind of sick, loving death. There's no controversy except that I am someone else and not the one for him and he knows it and hopes I will continue to ignore it. It's very odd.

Anyway...help me be strong enough to let this person go. He's been my best friend and a real dear to me in many other ways. But, I want things he cannot give me. Or, rather, I want things he doesn't want to give me. (if I'm really being honest). He is just not that into me. And I need to move on.

I want to switch my observation to a different reality...a different universe. This one is not working out.