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Originally Posted by ssandra  With children it is a different matter. You have to educate them and therefor you sometimes have to be strickt with them. For example, not letting them go to a party or playing outside because they still have homework to do. |
I just thought I'd point out a less "authoritarian power-over" method - that yields the same result, but transforms the entire experience.
Most parents (myself included) view this as being strict. I must set boundaries or my children will walk all over me! But if you shift your perspective in a way, take away the "negativity" and your power over them... you can do enforce boundaries without feeling like you are coercing them or dominating them. The point is, homework will be done. But play is also important in childhood.
You can present it in a way that's less strict feeling. "
Yes, you may play outside when the homework is done" (notice this feels different than, no, you do your homework first, then play outside)
Or: you can offer to do homework with them, or be nearby/available if it's independent work. Or set aside a regular scheduled time for home work or learning (at home) in your every day schedule. So on days when there is no home work, there is still some "learning" whether it's reading a novel, doing a experiment, researching a new topic, etc. Another way is this "learning/homework" time can be a time where you are fully present - in which they will LOOK FOWARD to spending this time with you and doing home work with you!
Or you can use "Let's" - implying giving permission and freedom. Let's review your homework, see how long it will be done, and let's schedule a time to do it (so that you can play outside in the sun now, before dark). This option requires that you do keep your options open and trust your child to honor their word to do the homework later. (I love the phrase, "Honor my word" or "Honor your word")
You can also present several options in which your child can pick. Or ask them to come up with their own options. And tell them that you trust them to honor their word. All of these options will include a set time that the homework will be done. The option of not doing it is not available.
I don't use the term "tough love" with my child, but I do enforce boundaries and strive to find creative ways in which we both have our wishes and preferences honored and fulfilled. I don't see myself as "tough" but I see myself as cooperative.
It may be a difference in terminology, but I find that difference totally transforms how I feel about parenting.
note to ssandra: I am not meaning to imply that being "tough" is bad or employing "tough love" is bad. It's not bad, actually. I'm just merely pointing out that for myself, parenting got totally fun and joyous when I let go of words and terminology the implied domination and coercion. And often, I still get the same desired results - home work being done.