Quote:
Originally Posted by chrystall  I've always valued this relationship because it's been more honest and communicative (maybe due to the distance) than the ones I've had so far |
Comparing this relationship relative to your previous relationships is a reasonable course of action. But I would also encourage you to imagine and compare it to your
ideal relationship.
It sounds like you've found someone who syncs up a lot with what you're looking for, and this guy really stands out when compared to other men you've dated. But if you decided to break up with him you would not be "trading him" for someone the past you would have attracted. You'd be breaking up with him for the opportunity to meet someone who the
current you would attract.
Whatever decision you make will have both short term and long term ramifications. You can probably estimate what it might be like to stay with him in both the short and long term; so I'm going to focus on illustrating what it might be like to break up with him so you have something to compare it to.
Since you like reasoning things out I'm going to use formulas and language that speaks to your rational mind to help you reason things. It sounds like you're already pretty in tune with your heart so I'm going to focus on what's really at stake from a rational perspective so that your mind can better weigh your options. The final decision I would really recommend making with your heart/intuition, though.
Short term ramifications of breaking up with him: (Obviously you'll experience something close to what you're used to experiencing after a breakup in the very beginning. But since that's such a temporary state, focus on how life might be like after those feelings have subsided.)
C = Current guy (factoring in the current situation and all the consequences of that)
A = Average guy you would attract now that might be a candidate for a long term relationship. (Don't factor guys you might start a relationship with but realize you aren't a match for fairly quick, the possibilities and potential unpleasantaries of that can be factored into B)
B = How much you enjoy the beginning stages of a relationship relative to how much you would enjoy continuing on with your current guy.
A - C + B = S (Short term difference.)
Long term ramifications of breaking up with him:
I = Your ideal guy
C = Current guy (factoring in the current situation and all the consequences of that)
I - C = R (Room for improvement)
M = Average man that you're likely to attract now and in the future that you would deem "marriage material."
C - M = W (What's really at stake to lose.)
If M > C, then you'd be selling yourself short to leave.
If not, then you're saying that the current guy is more likely to be a better match for you than someone you'd possible marry in the future. In that case, use this sliding scale.
M ---------------------- I
Wherever C lands on this scale will give you a good visual analysis of what you're really risking vs what you may stand to gain.
The wildcard variable: Quote:
Originally Posted by chrystall My definition of love is putting the other persons need ahead of your own, but I can't be the only one doing it. |
It sounds like your current guy is a match for having a wife that puts his needs above of hers. If this is something you truly want then you're in a good situation. If this is something that, deep down, you don't really want, then you have a few options.
1) Keep this belief, and stay with the current guy or be a match for attracting future partners who expect this in their significant other.
2) Change this belief, and allow current guy to react to it. You'll either redraw your relationship on different terms or decide that you're not such a good fit for each other now that you've changed. Plus, you'll become a match for attracting men who don't expect their woman to put them first in the future.
A final word on imagining your ideal relationship:
At first glance it may sound like your ideal guy would be impossible to find (that or you're being too realistic with who you'd love to be with). But that's just because you're used to dating the people you've dated and haven't consciously calibrated your RAS (
Reticular Activating System) to start looking for what you'd really like.
The more you experience different qualities of a relationship, the easier it'll be to discover and name what you really want, and the more attainable that ideal someone will seem. Especially if you look at this from an abundance viewpoint where you're not "giving up" someone who was a close match for you, but using what you loved about them to help you find what you really want.
View it like a game of hot and cold (loose
description here if you're unfamiliar with it). You'll know when you're getting closer or when you're straying away based on how much "hotter" or "cooler" a relationship feels, and eventually it'll be a series of hotter and hotter relationships until you find the one that's perfect for you.
Best of
Love in whatever you decide!
Josh