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Originally Posted by chrystall  It is my decision that will make or break us and I'm lost. My definition of love is putting the other persons need ahead of your own... |
Hi, Chrystall, and welcome to the forums.
I started to reply when I realized that I'm operating on an entirely different assumption of love -- I don't think you do your partner any favors by putting their needs ahead of your own. I think satisfying and fulfilling each person's needs are his own responsibility, and you do more for the relationship by taking care of your own needs, while honoring and supporting the other person in doing so for himself. If you start off your relationship by subjugating all of your needs to his, you are 100% responsible for the pattern that will likely set quickly in stone.
It's like by doing this, you are effectively signing a "contract" that says that you are willing to put your needs 2nd. In the future, when it's time to make choices together in your relationship, it's likely that you'll be expected by him and his family to honor that contract, and continue to subjugate in favor of his needs. If that's ok with you, I'd say go ahead and move to the U.S., marry him, find a new career, and figure out a way to handle or let go of resentment.
I'm using the word "needs" here the way you are -- that is, to mean "preferences."
Because what you're talking about here are not needs at all, but really preferences! If we were talking about real needs, it would make sense, I think, to consider making sacrifices. But you are really talking about weighing out your preferences vs. his.
If I were you, I'd ask my beau to brainstorm with me and find a 3rd, unknown alternative, one in which you can both have your most important preferences satisfied and fulfilled. I'm not a fan of compromise, so I wouldn't suggest compromising -- by which I mean ignoring a value or principle. But if you can both distinguish which points are very strong preferences, like values and principles, and which are less strong preferences, I think that's a good start for loosening up your thinking and being flexible in finding a solution that will have both of you feeling really good, strong, and congruent about beginning a new life together.
in the meanwhile, on your own, you might want to take a bold look at this, "I'll always be #2 to the parents, and I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my own parents." It sounds like there may be a limiting belief in there that could be having more influence over you than you are consciously aware of. (I say that because when you resist a pattern, like not wanting to repeat someone else's pattern, or being resigned, there's usually some old decision you made about yourself that is running you beneath your conscious awareness. Shedding light on it allows you to recognize the learnings available out of the decision and to release the old negative decision and resistance -- then you're free to generate something new that works better.) I think if you just do this, you might find you're able to come up with new, inventive solutions.