Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - He wants me to emigirate and drop everything

chrystall · 05-01-2009, 11:36 AM

About a year ago, I was doing an internship in the States and met this lovely guy. I though really nothing more than a summer fling of it at first, but when the time came to say goodbye, neither of us could. I've never felt this easy and comfortable with anyone in my life, and we have an amazing connection, both emotionally and physically. He's said, several times, that he wants to marry and I feel this may be the love of my life.

Thing is, I live in Europe, a ridiculous 8 hour flight and 7 hour time difference away.

His proposition was at first that he come and see if he could find a job in my country for a while. We've done a few visits over the year, the mandatory parental meetings etc. Last month, he announced that it would not be possible for him to try this, due to personal responsibility to family, job situation, the fact that my country just doesnt feel like home (based on a 2 week trip) etc. I kind of get his point, he's an immigrant in the country already (altho a national) and immigrating once again is never fun. I've tried suggesting meeting halfway, picking neithers country, and starting afresh together. He turned that down too, due to responsibilities to parents. I'm not thrilled about moving to the States, I have family, friends and career here. We discussed this, and in order for us to continue, I said I could reconsider moving.

I'm hurt of course, for him not even giving it a shot and of course wondering, is this a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I'm very close with family, so picking up and leaving would be a huge sacrifice on my behalf. My career is picking up, and it's a career I could not continue in the States. I feel like he's willing to give in very little leeway for me on any significant things. He says that if I do move, he'll do everything to make me happy, and I'm sure he would. I'm just not sure it would be enough. All these fights we've had about the future have made be doubt will I ever be the number one in his life, which I really need to be, if I am to give everything up.

Also, a 30 year old man that has never lived more than a 30 minute drive away from his parents strikes me as odd. Another aspect, why I was pushing for us trying out another country, new for both of us, is because I feel he's too emotionally dependent in his parents. He just claims that I don't understand the relationship. And he's right of course, I don't. I like his parents but they are exactly the kind that will be butting in all the time. And he runs when they call for help. I will always be number 2 to needs of them. My parents have had a very dificult relationship due to the same reason, so I wouldn't want to repear their mistakes.

He is a good man. Sensitive, responsible, caring and affectionate. When we're together, I have not a worry in the world. Most of our views on life match, save him being a little more conservative.

It is my decision that will make or break us and I'm lost. My definition of love is putting the other persons need ahead of your own, but I can't be the only one doing it. Am I being too demanding or is there a way out here? Any and all ideas are much appreciated.

05-01-2009, 11:36 AM	#1 (permalink)
chrystall Junior Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 3	He wants me to emigirate and drop everything About a year ago, I was doing an internship in the States and met this lovely guy. I though really nothing more than a summer fling of it at first, but when the time came to say goodbye, neither of us could. I've never felt this easy and comfortable with anyone in my life, and we have an amazing connection, both emotionally and physically. He's said, several times, that he wants to marry and I feel this may be the love of my life. Thing is, I live in Europe, a ridiculous 8 hour flight and 7 hour time difference away. His proposition was at first that he come and see if he could find a job in my country for a while. We've done a few visits over the year, the mandatory parental meetings etc. Last month, he announced that it would not be possible for him to try this, due to personal responsibility to family, job situation, the fact that my country just doesnt feel like home (based on a 2 week trip) etc. I kind of get his point, he's an immigrant in the country already (altho a national) and immigrating once again is never fun. I've tried suggesting meeting halfway, picking neithers country, and starting afresh together. He turned that down too, due to responsibilities to parents. I'm not thrilled about moving to the States, I have family, friends and career here. We discussed this, and in order for us to continue, I said I could reconsider moving. I'm hurt of course, for him not even giving it a shot and of course wondering, is this a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I'm very close with family, so picking up and leaving would be a huge sacrifice on my behalf. My career is picking up, and it's a career I could not continue in the States. I feel like he's willing to give in very little leeway for me on any significant things. He says that if I do move, he'll do everything to make me happy, and I'm sure he would. I'm just not sure it would be enough. All these fights we've had about the future have made be doubt will I ever be the number one in his life, which I really need to be, if I am to give everything up. Also, a 30 year old man that has never lived more than a 30 minute drive away from his parents strikes me as odd. Another aspect, why I was pushing for us trying out another country, new for both of us, is because I feel he's too emotionally dependent in his parents. He just claims that I don't understand the relationship. And he's right of course, I don't. I like his parents but they are exactly the kind that will be butting in all the time. And he runs when they call for help. I will always be number 2 to needs of them. My parents have had a very dificult relationship due to the same reason, so I wouldn't want to repear their mistakes. He is a good man. Sensitive, responsible, caring and affectionate. When we're together, I have not a worry in the world. Most of our views on life match, save him being a little more conservative. It is my decision that will make or break us and I'm lost. My definition of love is putting the other persons need ahead of your own, but I can't be the only one doing it. Am I being too demanding or is there a way out here? Any and all ideas are much appreciated.