Originally Posted by Tobias Zimpel  Hi,
for some time now I'm trying to pinpoint my current level of awareness, according to the scale presented by Steve. I know that this is only a model, something artificial, but I think it would help me understand some of my problems in life and would give me a hint on what to concentrate as well as a scale to measure if something is lowering my consciousness or heightening.
If I'd be on a very low level for example, giving in to anger would be step up, but if I'm beyond anger, then it would be a step down.
I'm going to give a rough overview over different areas of my life, as well as some guesses on the according level of awareness - which made this posting way longer that I wanted it to be :-/
Financially I'm near to broke, with regular expenses that lie above my income level - because my income level sank, not because my expenses grew that much. My guess is that this comes from lightworker's syndrome, but I can't really say if there are other issues I should tackle beforehand. As Erin said in her last interview, the idea of trying what I really want and having no success frightens me, because that would ruin me financially, but the idea of having success doesn't feel a lot more comfortable to me - so I'm oscilating between enthusiastically going the first few steps on the road to my dreams, but when I feel that when I continue, I will eventually reach them, I step back and sit down at the road, making myself as small as possible. That would at least put me below the level of acceptance , but how far below?
I want to make a good job and put my abilities to the best possible use for society (that would be willingness, wouldn't it?), but I don't have the courage to do so (what would put me on a level at least below courage).
I'm having some problems with addictions: I'm addicted to sugar and other fast carbon hydrates, for example, what would be the level of desire.
Sometimes I'm full of fear, and sometimes I'm full of enthusiasm, but on the first steps I take, I feel like I'm not worthy of success and fall back into a depressed state, where it's hard for me to even stand up in the morning (or before noon for that matter), and am often spending whole days in bed making big plans I never work out. Hm... apathy, grief or fear... And ylthough I know that I myself created this mess, I often make others responsible for my mess by not supporting me enough (or living my life for me for that mater...)
I have a strong interest in self help books and personal development material - but more from a philosophical standpoint, it seems. I think I'd qualify myself as a self help junkie, what would put me on the level of desire again. But then Steve says that on such a level of awareness, I wouldn't even be interested in themes of personal development.
I guess it's also important that I believe I have asperger's syndrome - but I don't think that this would ultimately limit me in terms of the level of awareness I could possibly reach, although there might be more rocks on the road for me that for people without asperger's. But perhaps there's more to it than I believe?
I think most of my life centers at least below the level of courage. I lately recognized that I begin to move when someone gave me a real hard KITA or treated me like garbage (or at least I feel like garbage instantly after such an event), and I channel the feeling of anger I feel for that person, or a feeling of despair and helplessness, into activities like cleaning, decluttering or other household-activities, what consumes my negative feelings, and leaves me on the one hand feeling good for what I have accomplished, but on the other hand guilty for acting on a "negative" feeling like anger - although I don't use the anger for revenge or destructive activities, but to constructive activities.
But it doesn't feel too good, because I can't feel proud for what I did for the guilt described before. And I want the other person, the person who hurt me before, to feel proud of what I accomplished and to admire me in some way for it - or simply put, to send me some energy I could feed of - so I'm emotionally addicted to that person's opinion of me and what I do - what would put me on the level of desire again for the addiction or on the level of pride for wanting to feel proud for what I accomplisher - or not, because I'm not able to?
To sum this up, although of course my whole life can't on one level, I'd put my overall level to desire. Any other opinions on this?
Then there's one thing I still don't seem to understand. There's the opinion that one can't leave out levels of awareness on the way up on the awareness scale for the things one is supposed to learn on this particular level - but is that only true for the levels above courage, or also for the levels below?
And second, steve wrote that all levels of awareness are some kind of trap. And all traps have a different solution, a different way to open it, just to step into the next step. But supposed I'm on the level of desire, should I go into the trap called anger, or pride, although I intellectually know that it would be a trap? I remember steve posted something about that as well, but I can't find the posting again.
I'd really appreciate some hints on what I should concentrate on - what level does my life center around, and what would be my next steps up the road? should I give in to feelings like anger, and if so, how should I use them? Is the solution to anger to not use it in a destructive way, but to get myself moving in a constructive way? Is there another way to grouw out of the level of desire but through anger?
And last but not least: Is courage a level of its own, or just the power, the fuel that drives one up the levels, starting from the lowest level on? Is it possible to feel or use courage before I step out of pride? And how rapidly can one step through the lower levels of awareness?
Lots of quenstions and uncertainty that makes me run and think in circles.
TIA for your help. Maybe some direct tips, maybe some reading stuff, or another positive KITA - everything would be great! |