Hey Michelle,
Overall it seems like you've a poor boundary function, meaning you allow people to influence you a lot. I say allow because it is a choice, even if it doesn't seem that way.
Your father's anger is his, you don't need to make it yours. It might be easier for him to react to something than you look at it.
But in that regard how much are you blaming your 'shortcomings' on your childhood and how you were brought up.
I have some family issues, chiefly concerning my mother and her family. Her mother spoiled my uncle and as a result he's not a very nice person. But my brother said smething that was really insightful - no matter how you're brought up at some point you've got to accept responsibility for who you are.
Now I understand you don't want to cause your father pain, there's two things that come to mind that could help. My coach told me that if we try to stop someone from pain we stop them from growth, and this might be worth thinking about. Is the truth more important than protecting someone's ego?
Also, have you accepted your father? He is who he is, and no matter how poorly he raised you he did the best he could with what he knew at the time. Both your parents did, and that's what we all do.
Personally I'd love to take my mother's pain away, but she's unwilling to have me help. I have to love her and accept it's not my place or purpose in this world to do that. Maybe someday, but not now.
Lots of love,
Colm |