[jedale]

I have a somewhat different take on self-discipline, at least from the perspective of my own personal experiences; having been so lacking in self-discipline. Perhaps the fact that I am Attention Deficit Disorder might have something to do with it.

From my experience, trying to develop self-discipline the way Steve recommends in his articles makes me think of a thick, solid concrete wall.

One one side of the wall, there is the undisciplined and unproductive "me" ... along with all the attributes that I wish I didn't have.

On the other side of that wall is the ideal version of "me - a fleeting pipe dream, a mirage of what I wish I could be.

Now .... all I have to do is bash my skull against the wall, until one of two things happen: Either your skull breaks, or the wall breaks. When enough blood, sweat and tears have been shed, maybe ... just maybe ... I might be like the person on the other side of the wall.

Of course, as the self-discipline series suggests ... don't beat yourself up, and try to tackle that wall in "bite size" chunks.

So now, instead of bashing that wall with great gusto, I bash my skull in smaller and repetitive motions, so that I can stay in the fight longer. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single 'head-butt', I tell myself

OK ... so my skull is not splintering or cracking ... but the constant and repetitive butting against the brick wall that separates the "old" me from the new "me" is a nasty wall .... and my head is bleeding.

Eventually, the time drags on and I have blood running down my forehead. I am tired of being the person on the wrong side of the wall, but at the same time, I am also tired of being exhausted, bloodied and disappointed.

Be patient .... have faith .... keep trying, I am told. Yet, if I don't succeed, I will be told that it is because I did NOT have perseverance, faith, discipline.

But I am TRYING to develop perseverance, faith and self-discipline. The more I try and fail, the less of these ingredients I have. Thus, this becomes a vicious cycle that wears for the worse with each passing turn. Ultimately, you need to be DISCIPLINED, FAITHFUL and PERSEVERING before you can develop anything.

The theory, as proposed by Steve, is that even the little bit of self-discipline already in existence can help you develop more.

I am NOT finding this to be the case. I am finding that my qualities and my efforts are so weak and feeble that I emotionally, mentally and physically burn out very quickly - to the degree that I need to sleep a whole day just to recover. My well-intentioned efforts are persistent and determined, but nonetheless weak from having fought a fearsome foe in my mind almost every conscious moment.

So how do I solve this riddle? How to I keep from mental and emotional exhaustion will chipping away at this formidable enemy?