Blackwigger,
First off, we ALL have flaws. Embrace them They are what make you, YOU. The things that we have done that we regret or carry guilt for, is cause for self-forgiveness.
If you feel others have failed you, forgive them. (Saying I forgive you is not saying "What you did to me is ok", it is saying "I am no longer willing to carry around the burden of YOUR actions". )
DO YOU RECALL THE MYTH THAT EVOLVES AROUND WHAT WE DID TO THE LAST PERFECT PERSON TO WALK THIS EARTH? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THAT GUY?
I cannot say that I understand what you are going thru, because I am not you, feeling your feelings. I can say that I have walked that path and know that demon all too well.
All of us have flaws for a reason. For instance...my physical vision is going away...yet my psychic vision is increasing. Do I sit around whining because I cannot drive my car or do my chosen career of truck driving? NO. I say, well...God gave me this psychic ability for a reason and I work daily on ways to serve others with it, without having to get in a car and drive myself, to do so.
Humanity evolves, and you may find that you will evolve greater if you focus on adapting to circumstances or eliminating the circumstances that give you such a disregard for your own life.
I do not personally feel that you are serious about ending your life, or you would not have posted a "cry for help" in a public forum. That is enough to tell me that you "choose" life!! Unfortuneately it also tells me that you only agree to do so, if someone can tickle your mentality in such a way that you want to live without having to change your outlook. (pick a side to this emotional tug of war.)
It is a struggle. One that you KNOW you can win.
I suggest you start with self-forgiveness. Then, move toward forgiving others. I hope somewhere in all of it, that you embrace the fact that if there were no flaws, there would be no need for enlightenment and nothing to learn in our incarnation here.
Now, do you choose to waste an entire incarnation over a moment of self-doubt? I chose life. I have evolved. I have learned, that these flaws and problems in my past were the necessary things in my life to bring on changes within myself and to learn forgiveness and thrive. It is your life. It is your choice. Please consider those who have been there, and where they have been and how far we have all come since. It may be worth it to hang on one more year...see if things don't change, after choosing to see things differently, and practice a little forgiveness and acceptance in your life.
I wish you the best. I pray for your inner-solace.
Blessings,
Rebecca
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