[BlackWigger]

Good responses guys, thanks.

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I'll let him speak for himself, but my take on what you're describing is the feeling that your brain is just a collection of chemicals designed to trick you. You feel like a puppet being pulled along by a set of chemical strings. For example, you desire sex because of hormones. You just want to cut the strings and be free.

EXACTLY. Beatifully put. Even when I enjoy and am a bit happy because of doing something, I realize its just a temporary emotion that doesn't really matter and that won't change my personality or outlook on life, and even if it did, it wouldn't matter, I wouldn't be happy.

Example... some guys called me out, and I suffer from social anxiety (not sure if it's the worst possible type of SA but still), and I was thinking how I was going to regret going out, but I still did it due to not wanting to tarnish my "reputation" (I don't have one really). I actually did well in the conversations and ****... was even glad I did go out. But then I thought to myself "well, this doesn't really matter, all these people won't really care about me later, and nothing will really change". And if it changed, I would probably still be unhappy.

Another example... I'll be honest here and say I have a crush on my 2nd cousin. The happiest times I had in the past few years of depression was when talking to her, she seems to like me in a way, and I love it when she responds to me in a... playful way. Today she basically asked me for dating advice and I was so pissed, basically it meant I was in the friendship zone. I still tried to maintain some sort of ... uncertainty and I wasn't acting like an actual friend would, cause I know that wouldn't get me anywhere. Now, I managed to do that, and was proud for a moment, and I tried forgetting about her completely because I've been obsessing over her lately. And I can't stop it... I try to focus on different things and they don't work. Also, if I ever ended up with her, there would be so many insecurities left within myself, I'd worry too much about not letting her down, etc. etc.

I played a bit of Quake (online fps game) and was enjoying the fast pace of the game so much, but it only lasted for as long as I was doing well. Even helped me forget about other **** for a moment.

It's like I'm always a slave to these emotions, and that I'll never be satisfied with the way they occur. I wish I could just stop caring, like when I am drunk. That's awesome.
I have to admit though, that when my cousin is responding to me in a playful way, or I actually manage to make people laugh, it's a very addictive emotion I get... it's nearly the total opposite of what I feel usually.

@James81: I can never be sure what awaits me if I die. But I will die either way. And the most probable thing that will happen to me when I die, is the same thing that was happening before I was born.

@GHI: I don't wanna uncover where I'm coming from, at least from now. Sorry. Let's just say it's somewhere in Europe.

Originally Posted by Zerox

Life is whatever you want it to be. You obviously want it to be pointless, so it is.

It is what it is. And if your really serious about dying, you'll pull it off. It's not really that hard, jump off a 30store building. Trust me, you'll die.
Or shove a bullet in your head, works like magic!

The fact that you're scared of dying means you do want to live, you just don't want to live like you are right now. Everything is pointless to you, but you don't want it to. You want something to have a point. Dying doesn't have a point, so why bother dying?

Look, no matter what you decide to do, it'll be pointless. Because you want it to. If you want something to have a point, It'll have a point. You decide the point of whatever it is. "I want to be better at bowling." Point being: getting better at bowling.

But what does that matter in the end? NOTHING! Exactly. So do whatever the hell you want to do because in the end it doesn't matter. Do you want to sit and ponder on suicide all day? Does that make you happy? I bet it doesn't. Everything is pointless, but I'd rather be happy than sad.

If you dont care weather you live or die, and you hate wherever you are. Pack a bag and go hitchhiking for as long as you can. Either you find something worth doing, or you die trying.

I know... but even when I try give myself meaning, it doesn't help, I shift back into nothingness.
Also, caring so much about what otehrs think doesn't really help me either. I'm restricted...a nd I dont know how to get rid of these shackles.

Originally Posted by Plays with Life

@ OP - I think what's happened is you've become numb. I've been in a place where it wasn't possible to enjoy anything. There's no enjoyment in any sensation or experience. Is that what you're talking about?

Not really numb, just not able to enjoy myself fully cause I know it won't change anything in the long term, everything will stay the same way, and ... it wont matter either way.

Sigh, I wish I could just kill myself, but that doesn't come as easy as some of you say either.

Sorry for any typos, I've been writing this late and in a hurry