Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - i need help dealing with a death in my family

C33 · 01-19-2007, 07:48 PM

... I lost my mom at 18 and just lost my Dad recently.( I am 40).I can relate to your pain.

It might seem for you that you will never be able to be happy again, but you will, and you will have the ability to be even more happy than most people, because you will have learnt at a very early age, what loss is. You will be able to seize every bit of happiness coming your way, you will have more compassion and will be able to love and relate to others on a deeper level.

Your dad didn t suffer. You didn t see his health dwindle.It is a comfort of some kind.

Family dynamics after the death of a parent, can get very screwed up. It can blow the family apart, and if the remaining parent becomes depressed, needy and starts relying on his/her children to keep him/her, hold him/her together, it can become very toxic. I don t know how you all got along before this sad event. Just make sure to protect yourself from other family members dumping their emotional stuff on you, just because you APPEAR to be the strong one. You should talk to your mother and let her know that you are her child, and even though you are an adult, and by all means being responsible and acting like one, she is the mother and she needs to take care of her own emotions, not dump them on you or your siblings.She should get some help for depression. Do not get trapped in the: "You are the only thing I have left now" discourse.

Right now you need to grieve. It is a process and it is going to take a lot of time. You will never be the same again, this is something to accept, and it is hard.

You need to talk to someone and get everything out of your chest. I would strongly recommend to see a therapist, to help you deal with your loss. You need to talk, you need to talk as much as you want and express what you feel inside.

As far as the nightmares and the hurting, it is not uncommon after a loss, it is your body telling you that it can t keep all the hurt inside, that it needs to come out. Do not be afraid of your dreams, if they are morbid, it is your rational mind trying to grasp on the idea of death, that maybe you were never confronted with.

I do not know what are your beliefs, if you are religious or spiritual. If you are religious, you might talk to a priest or a pastor. They usually are confronted with death on a daily basis. You could also read uplifting books about life after death, people who have had near death experience, anything that you believe in that will give you a positive image of death.

Also, I strongly suggest that you start being silly. Yes, silly. Find ways to make yourself laugh, go see stupid movies, watch comedies with your family. Usually people who go through a loss are supposed to keep a composed, austere and dignified attitude. Don t let yourself being stiffened in the body language of sadness. Do fun stuff with your family, go out to restaurants, go to the movies together. Watch uplifting materials, read humorous books. Find a way to bring a smile to your face. Maybe it could mean getting a pet, if you plan on being in one place for a while. I know that after the passing of my mother, my dad didn t want to get a pet, but he found a lot of joy when we gave him a puppy. Soon, he thought more about the puppy than his own self. It is a simple way to bring a smile and warmth in a family.

I wish that you find the strength you need to go through this. Warm thoughts.

01-19-2007, 07:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
C33 Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 623	So sorry for your loss! ... I lost my mom at 18 and just lost my Dad recently.( I am 40).I can relate to your pain. It might seem for you that you will never be able to be happy again, but you will, and you will have the ability to be even more happy than most people, because you will have learnt at a very early age, what loss is. You will be able to seize every bit of happiness coming your way, you will have more compassion and will be able to love and relate to others on a deeper level. Your dad didn t suffer. You didn t see his health dwindle.It is a comfort of some kind. Family dynamics after the death of a parent, can get very screwed up. It can blow the family apart, and if the remaining parent becomes depressed, needy and starts relying on his/her children to keep him/her, hold him/her together, it can become very toxic. I don t know how you all got along before this sad event. Just make sure to protect yourself from other family members dumping their emotional stuff on you, just because you APPEAR to be the strong one. You should talk to your mother and let her know that you are her child, and even though you are an adult, and by all means being responsible and acting like one, she is the mother and she needs to take care of her own emotions, not dump them on you or your siblings.She should get some help for depression. Do not get trapped in the: "You are the only thing I have left now" discourse. Right now you need to grieve. It is a process and it is going to take a lot of time. You will never be the same again, this is something to accept, and it is hard. You need to talk to someone and get everything out of your chest. I would strongly recommend to see a therapist, to help you deal with your loss. You need to talk, you need to talk as much as you want and express what you feel inside. As far as the nightmares and the hurting, it is not uncommon after a loss, it is your body telling you that it can t keep all the hurt inside, that it needs to come out. Do not be afraid of your dreams, if they are morbid, it is your rational mind trying to grasp on the idea of death, that maybe you were never confronted with. I do not know what are your beliefs, if you are religious or spiritual. If you are religious, you might talk to a priest or a pastor. They usually are confronted with death on a daily basis. You could also read uplifting books about life after death, people who have had near death experience, anything that you believe in that will give you a positive image of death. Also, I strongly suggest that you start being silly. Yes, silly. Find ways to make yourself laugh, go see stupid movies, watch comedies with your family. Usually people who go through a loss are supposed to keep a composed, austere and dignified attitude. Don t let yourself being stiffened in the body language of sadness. Do fun stuff with your family, go out to restaurants, go to the movies together. Watch uplifting materials, read humorous books. Find a way to bring a smile to your face. Maybe it could mean getting a pet, if you plan on being in one place for a while. I know that after the passing of my mother, my dad didn t want to get a pet, but he found a lot of joy when we gave him a puppy. Soon, he thought more about the puppy than his own self. It is a simple way to bring a smile and warmth in a family. I wish that you find the strength you need to go through this. Warm thoughts.