Hey guys,
First post here! I hope everyone is well. I've enjoyed reading so many great posts and responses, so I thought I would join in the fun!
My main concern with writing this post has to do with creating the vision for your life. Personally, I think I have done an OK job in this area, but as always, I can improve
I am pretty happy with my life, but there are some definite imbalances and inconsistentcies that I would like to work on.
To provide a little background, I will give a brief account of my journey to realizing my vision up to this point. I would say that I really began becoming interested in PD about 10 years ago, but my interest far outweighed my ability to digest what it was all about. I just thought it was using will power to change things for the better, nevermind all the psychology involved!
I first had the vision to be a stand-up comic. I moved to Las Vegas(while attending college), and for two years performed as an amateur comedian. I loved it, but eventually it morphed into another field. People would call me the "shakespeare" of comedy because of my play on words, and poetic style. It was pretty original I must say. I really wanted to make people feel good-joy-while providing a completely new and original way of looking at reality. I think I did well. Yet, I came to a point where the complexity of what I wanted to accomplish didn't feel right on a stage, at least in the manner and the DEGREE I was beginning to express myself.
At this time I stopped doing stand-up, and became interested in the Visual Arts. I had always like art, and thought that I may be able to better express myself in this arena. It just kind of "happened", if that make any sense, but I was happy with my decision. I was going to school in a small town in Tennessee(home state) at this point had the vision to learn the real skills needed to properly express myself. I envisioned studying on or near a beach area at a high quality art studio of some sort-with a certification program of some sort to please my mom
. I moved to a beach town north of San Diego, and for 2 years I studied full time, worked a little bit and saved up some money. After this two year period, I was basically on my own, and then faced with the world of adulthood. I think this is where I got confused!
I don't think I was necessarily "equipped" to handle the world, nevermind with a halfway-through art education and a burning passion! I continued to take classes and improve over the next 3 and a half years, all the while sacrificing any real financial abundance. I was slowly growing, yet always fighting the responsibilities of the world. I struggled to become better at what I wanted to do best, but definitely improved my ability to express myself artistically. I also endured pretty bad living conditions at times, replete with a very nasty bed-bug infestation that I TOLERATED for about a year! This, coupled with living with several drug addicts(i learned this as time went on). There were also times when I lived in apartments with 3 or 4 people, and as an artist, it doesn't really work out that well!
All of these things made it a definite challenge to excel, and as a result, I don't think I was fully able to allow myself to grow, but always fighting against circumstances that came with the sacrifice-working less, making less money, and devoting my time to something that took lots of time and patience to get good at-yet loved. I finally woke up and decided "this is not what I want..."
I was also able to be around some amazing artists, people who built their entire lives around it, owned studios and sold their work for a living. I made several friends and loved living in this beach town. Yet, just this past year I left because I was tired of the life I had created. I must admit that I wasn't aware of my reactive orientation to life, but nonetheless, I left this environment anyway. I now see that I didn't have to be a victim necessarily, but at the same time, it has been hard for me to figure out how to reconcile my preferences. On top of that, I did miss my family too, and only was able to visit them very seldom over the years.
I hit a wall . I began to feel like life was becoming boring and non-adventurous. I didn't have the money to put myself in classes I wanted to take, etc. I felt I was in the same routine, not experimenting. I know I probably could have created an adventure in the environment I was in, but I didn't see it at the time. I definitely had some learned helplesssness. I began thinking of places like San Fran, and others, some place that seemed like it would have been more exciting than San Diego, some place or situation that would make me grow. I still don't know if was "just me" or the place I was in. Eventually, I moved away in complete and utter confusion, not really knowing why, just knowing that I had to do SOMETHING.
I moved back to my hometown of Nashville, TN, around family and old friends, but away from the fruitful, artistic environment. I'm basically broke(yet have no debt), beginning to sell paintings, and have a very part time job, and really haven't found too many people that are really passionate about the visual arts here. I want to create a life where I am always able to do what I love, be financiallly abundant, and be around others doing the same. At this time, I am asking myself "how do I create this?". I love being in my hometown, but....I don't know if I am truly aligned with the environment, especially when I was already in a place that was so great. I also ask myself if I am being a victim. Can I create that life HERE, or more importantly, DO I WANT TO?
What do you guys do when you put yourself in these "compromising situations"? How do you know you ARE compromising? Especially, in relation to your vision? Is it a necessary learning step? When creating a vision, how do you know what you truly want when you don't know all the possibilities? How do you know when something is "right" for you, or is the "right" an inner orientation? I want to see reality, and at the same time create a life I envision. I've said enough for now! I hope this post resonates with some of you guys and gals.
Thank you for reading!